


Twenty-Two

by hondansadeensommar



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Depression, Fever, Gen, Hurt Kim Mingyu, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness, Medication, Multiple Sclerosis, Needles, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 27,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: Mingyu had a lot of plans - for his career, and for his future.  He never expected just how quickly that could change, until two little words shattered his illusion of who he was.





	1. Just a Scratch

Mingyu watched silently as Soonyoung demonstrated the next move to their new dance, blinking rapidly to try and clear his vision.For whatever reason, it seemed as though his right contact lens didn’t want to cooperate with him on that particular day and it was starting to hurt.He rubbed at his eye absently, losing track of what was happening with the rest of the group.

“ _Yah_!Gyu, pay attention!”Mingyu tried to look at what Soonyoung was doing in the mirror, but nothing seemed to be making his vision clear.

“I’m sorry, _hyung_ … can I take a break? I think I need to take my contacts out…”Mingyu couldn’t see the frustrated looks from his members in the mirror, but he felt the tension in the room.It wasn’t the first time that week they’d had to stop mid-rehearsal because of an issue with his ability to see what was going on, and Mingyu knew that it was annoying to have to stop for something that seemed so minor when it wasn’t your issue.

“Again?”Mingyu was thankful that Soonyoung’s question was laced with an obvious concern about what was going on, rather than the annoyance that he was sure most of the group was feeling in that moment.“Go ahead… but hurry, yeah?Everyone else, take five and get some water.We’ll run it from the beginning after the break.”Mingyu hurried out to his bag, grabbing his contact lens case and his glasses before hurrying to the nearest bathroom to change them out as quickly as possible.

Removing the lens didn’t do much to relieve the pain in Mingyu’s eye, nor did it help at all with the strange blurriness that seemed to be significantly worse than his usual near-sightedness.He was quick to use the eye drops that he kept with his lenses, hoping that his eye had just gotten dry and that it would all resolve in a few minutes.Even getting his glasses on didn’t seem to help, which concerned Mingyu.But he didn’t really have time to think about it, because they had a new dance to learn and he needed to get back to the studio before the rest of the group finished their break.

Mingyu tried to slip into the room quietly, but his clumsiness betrayed him and he ended up tripping over his own feet and dropping everything in his hands as he crossed the threshold, bumping his elbow on the door frame in the process.Thankfully, Mingyu managed to catch himself before he could fall completely, but it was still embarrassing.Despite the fact that everyone knew he was a klutz, Mingyu still hated proving it in front of his members on an almost daily basis.

Mingyu couldn’t help noticing that his arm felt numb as he began to pick up his things, which was weird.But the thought was pushed out of his head as Wonwoo came over to help him gather everything back up.“Are you okay, Gyu- _ah_?You seem off…”

“My eye is really hurting,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I can deal with it until the end of choreography, and then I’ll talk to a manager about going to get it checked out…”

“Hurts like there’s something in there, or something else?” Wonwoo asked, reaching up and taking Mingyu’s glasses off so that he could get a closer look at Mingyu’s eyes.“Neither one is red or anything… which eye is bothering you?”

“What’s going on?” Soonyoung asked, as he and Seungcheol walked over to investigate what was going on between the two rappers.

“It’s nothing…” Mingyu began.

“He said that his eye is really bothering him, even without the lens,” Wonwoo replied, completely ignoring the fact that Mingyu was trying to avoid this conversation.

“Which eye?” Soonyoung asked, repeating Wonwoo’s previous question as Jihoon joined them as well.

“ _Hyungs_ …”

“Which eye?”Mingyu knew that it was a lost cause trying to get the leaders to leave him alone once Jihoon inserted himself into the conversation as well.Mingyu’s roommate wasn’t the most physically affectionate person, but he was fiercely protective and Mingyu knew that the smaller man wasn’t going to let it go now that he knew there was something going on.

“Right,” Mingyu replied, sighing.“Everything is really blurry on that side, too…”

“Soonyoung- _ah_ , go get a manager to take Mingyu- _ah_ to the hospital.He’s probably scratched his cornea, and we don’t want it to develop into an infection,” Seungcheol instructed, putting a hand on Mingyu’s shoulder and starting to guide him over to the wall where all of their stuff was.“Go ahead and get your stuff, okay?We’ll catch you up later, once we know that you aren’t at risk of some kind of infection…”

“I can wait…” Mingyu began.

“No way.If your eye gets infected, that’s going to have you out of commission a lot longer than just a choreography session and some vocal lessons,” Seungcheol commented, referencing what they had left on the day’s schedule.It was a surprisingly light day for being in the midst of comeback preparations, which Mingyu supposed was better than having all of this happen on a day that they were booked solid for hours on end.

Mingyu nodded, sighing and starting to pack away his contacts and glasses case in his bag with a bit of help from Wonwoo, who was still holding onto the small bottle of contact lens solution that had magically stayed closed when it had gone flying out of his hands.“I have painkillers in my bag, if you need them…” Wonwoo began softly, as Mingyu zipped his bag closed.

“I’ll be okay, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“It isn’t that bad… I think that Seungcheol- _hyung_ is overreacting a little about all of this.It’s probably just a little scratch…”

“You were having issues the other day, too,” Wonwoo replied.“How long has your eye been bothering you, really?”

Mingyu shrugged.“A few days, I guess?It wasn’t really that bad until today,” he replied.

“ _Aish_ … Gyu, you can’t hide stuff like this.You’ve seen how bad injuries can get when they get ignored…” Wonwoo began.

“This isn’t an injury, _hyung_.It’s just a little scratch,” Mingyu replied, standing up and moving his bag onto his shoulder.“I’m fine, okay?Don’t worry so much, _hyung_.”Mingyu held out his hand for his glasses, thankful when the older man chose to just hand them over as Soonyoung came back with a manager in tow.

“Your eye is bothering you, Mingyu- _ah_?” the manager asked walking over and motioning for Mingyu to lean down slightly so that he could inspect Mingyu’s eye more closely.“What’s going on?I don’t see anything…”

“It just hurts.And everything’s kind of blurry on the right side,” Mingyu relied, feeling more than a little uncomfortable with the way that everyone’s attention was on him.“I don’t _have_ to go to the doctor right now, _hyung_ … it’s not so bad that I can’t finish choreography.”

“It sounds like he might have scratched his cornea,” Seungcheol interrupted, before Mingyu could say anything else.

“I agree… I know you don’t want to leave, Gyu- _ah_ , but I think it’s for the better if we take you in and get it checked out sooner, rather than later,” the manager replied.“Let’s go.Hopefully you’ll get cleared to come back tomorrow, and this will just be a little hiccup in the current plan.”

The ride to the hospital was mostly silent and decidedly boring; the manager seemed to realize that Mingyu wasn’t really in the mood to talk, and with his eye bothering him so much he didn’t want to do anything involving his phone for fear of making it worse.It wasn’t until they were parked in the hospital’s parking area that the manager said anything.“Do you have a mask or anything?I should have asked before we left the company building…”

“I might have a hat in my bag, but I don’t think that’s going to do any good,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head as he put his glasses back on before rummaging through his bag to find an old black beanie that he could use to at least try and hide his current hair color.He hadn’t gotten it dyed since the promotion period for their last release had ended, and the new growth at his roots was looking particularly bad that day.He was quick to pull it down over his hair, tucking as much as he could underneath the knit fabric. 

“Right… let’s get this sorted out, and then we can get you home to rest.”


	2. This Is Becoming A Catastrophe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I posting another chapter right now?
> 
> I honestly don't know. I normally only post on Saturdays, but so far I've posted on this story TWICE on days other than Saturday. But anyways, I hope that you all enjoy!

“ _Yah_ … have you really been at the hospital all this time, Gyu- _ah_?” Seungcheol asked, as Mingyu entered the downstairs dorm’s living room with his backpack slung over his left shoulder.Mingyu winced as he bumped against the coffee table’s corner; his depth perception was almost completely gone, thanks to the loss of vision in his right eye.The problem had only gotten worse as the day had worn on, although the neurologist that Mingyu had seen wasn’t keen on starting treatment until he was sure of what was going on because they didn’t know what had caused his condition.Mingyu really wasn’t in the mood to talk about what was going on, but he knew that he needed to tell Seungcheol and the others what was happening.No matter what the answer ended up being, Mingyu knew that it would likely affect the rest of the group, too.“How’s your eye?”

“It’s not a scratched cornea,” Mingyu replied, dropping his bag as he sank down onto the couch by the leader’s side.“The doctor said that it was something called optic neuritis… they ran a bunch of tests, and I have to go back in the morning to talk about some of the results with the neurologist.But it’s going to be a while before my vision comes back… he said that it could take up to a year for it to come back completely, _if_ it does.”

“ _Aish_ … I’m sorry, Gyu- _ah_ …” Seungcheol began, moving closer so that he could wrap an arm around Mingyu’s shoulders.Mingyu closed his eyes, letting his head rest against the leader’s shoulder and relaxing into the man’s embrace.Mingyu had always been a fan of skinship in general, and the fact that he was trying to process all of the information he’d received only seemed to be making his desire to be close to someone he trusted that much stronger.“Are you on any restrictions while they’re trying to figure this all out?”

“I won’t really know until tomorrow,” Mingyu replied.“I know I’m not allowed to drive, because right now I’m legally blind in my right eye.But until we know what caused the inflammation of my optic nerve, all they could really say was that I shouldn’t do anything that makes the symptoms worse.I’m sure it’ll be more specific once they have an answer for what’s causing all of this.”

“So, dancing…?” Seungcheol asked softly.

“I don’t really even know right now, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied.“I’m sorry… I’m just really exhausted from everything that’s going on.”Mingyu could feel Seungcheol moving a hand up to stroke it through his hair, and he relaxed further into the older man’s arms.

“Is something else bothering you?” Seungcheol asked.

“It might be a good idea for Soonyoung- _hyung_ to come up with a plan in case I can’t perform…” Mingyu began, not opening his eyes.He didn’t particularly want to see the leader’s face as he tried to explain that aspect of what he’d learned at the hospital.

“We can figure out a way to make sure you’re safe…” Seungcheol began.

“ _Hyung_ … it could be bad,” Mingyu interrupted.“Like… career-ending bad.”

There was a prolonged moment of silence, before the leader spoke again.“Tell me.If it’s that bad, then I need to know…”

“The neurologist said that the most common cause of optic neuritis is multiple sclerosis… almost half of the time,” Mingyu replied.“They did an MRI to look for lesions on my brain as part of the tests today.”

“Multiple sclerosis…?”

Mingyu took a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way to phrase it without completely terrifying the older man.“It’s a problem with your central nervous system… you get these spots on our brain or your nerves that stop the signals from sending properly.Most people end up unable to walk without help…”

“But there’s still a chance that it isn’t, right?” Seungcheol asked.

Mingyu opened his eyes, sighing as he sat up and held out his right arm towards the older man.“Pinch my arm.”

“What?”The leader looked confused by Mingyu’s request.

“Just do it, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, moving his arm closer. 

Seungcheol did as he’d requested, pinching the skin on the outer edge of his forearm a few inches above the bandage that was still on the back of his hand from an IV that had been used for one of the tests.“You didn’t even flinch…” the man began.

“Because I didn’t feel it,” Mingyu replied, putting his arm down.“I noticed when they stuck me for the IV.It’s just my right arm.I can move it, and I can use my hand almost like normal.But it’s weaker than it usually is, and I can’t feel anything… and the lack of sensation is a common symptom.”

“ _Aish_ … you told the doctor, right?”

“The nurse sort of freaked out when I mentioned it,” Mingyu replied, leaning back into the couch again.He could almost see the leader’s brain working as Seungcheol thought about what he’d been told.

“We can make sure you get a headset mic… that’ll be the easiest thing to do to accommodate your current situation, if you’re up to performing,” Seungcheol began.“I’ll talk to Soonyoung- _ah_ about the dance, and we can make sure that he puts you where it’ll be easy for you to go on and off if you need to do that.”

“ _Hyung_ … can we not?Please?” Mingyu asked.“I just… I can’t think about this right now.I need a break from the whole medical catastrophe that’s unfolding…”

“What medical catastrophe?”Mingyu felt sick as he heard Jihoon’s voice coming from the hallway that led to the bedrooms, looking up to see his roommate coming into the living room with an extremely confused look on his face.“Gyu- _ah_ , what’s going on?Are you okay?”

Mingyu sighed, closing his eyes and burying his face in his hands for a moment before he looked up at his roommate.“I might be really sick, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu admitted, looking up at the smaller man as he tried not to cry.“Like, potentially Grade 6 bad…”

There was a moment of silence, before Jihoon moved closer and put a hand on his shoulder.“Come on, Gyu- _ah_ … it’s late, and you should get some rest,” Jihoon commented, almost as if he was completely unphased by Mingyu’s minimal explanation of what was going on.

Mingyu shook his head, confused by the fact that Jihoon wasn’t questioning him at all about what was going on.“What?”

“You’re tired and upset… I’m not going to make you answer a bunch of questions right now,” Jihoon replied.“Just come back to our room, and we can talk when you’re calmer.But right now, whatever’s going on you need to get some rest and get your head on straight again.”

“Jihoon- _ah_ is right,” Seungcheol commented, reaching out to rub Mingyu’s back as a comforting gesture.“You’ve had a long day… you said yourself that you’re tired, and that’s definitely affecting your ability to think logically at this point.”

Mingyu took a deep breath, nodding and forcing himself to stand up as Jihoon took hold of his elbow to help steady him so that he wouldn’t potentially lose his balance due to the intense exhaustion he was dealing with.“I still need to eat…” he began slowly.

“ _Yah_ … no one bothered to feed you?” Jihoon asked.

“I haven’t really been hungry,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I just need some rice or something, so that I don’t wake up starving in the middle of the night.I know I won’t be able to make it to the kitchen without hurting myself right now…”

Jihoon looked confused, but the older man simply nodded and started towards the kitchen.“Okay… let’s get you something to eat.”Mingyu did his best to follow, wincing as he walked into the table again.Jihoon seemed to realize that Mingyu’s depth perception wasn’t very good from that incident, and the elder man was back almost immediately to take his hand.“Is your vision that bad from whatever’s going on?”

“I can’t see anything out of my right eye,” Mingyu admitted.“It’s just… grey.”

Jihoon just nodded, not even questioning Mingyu’s explanation as he took Mingyu’s hand to guide him through the obstacle course that was their dorm when everyone was home.While they weren’t exactly messy people, there was just a lot of _stuff_ that they had to keep in the dorm and only so much space they could store it in.“I’ve got you.You trust me, right?”

“Of course, _hyung_.”

If there was one thing that Mingyu appreciated about his roommate, it was the fact that Jihoon genuinely cared about his members and would do just about anything for them if they were in need.And given Mingyu’s current state, he was thankful for the way the older man simply took control of the situation and made sure that Mingyu was being taken care of in that moment.

“Sit… I’ll heat up some of the leftovers from dinner for you,” Jihoon commented, as he settled Mingyu in one of the chairs at the small table.“Do you want some tea or something?I think that we have some chamomile somewhere… it might help you relax, so that you can sleep well tonight…”

Mingyu nodded, smiling up at the older man.“Thank you, _hyung_.That sounds like a good idea.”


	3. Answers and Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter - yay!

The van ride had been mostly silent, which was honestly probably the worst thing for Mingyu’s state of mind at that moment.He didn’t want to get stuck in his own head again, but it was almost impossible _not_ to without the constant chatter of his members in the background as one of their managers drove him through the city.All he could really think about was the information that he’d been given by the neurologist, before he’d been sent to the hospital for the first of several days of IV steroids.It had taken some doing to convince the manager tasked with taking Mingyu to his appointment that he would be okay to go to that afternoon’s choreography session once he was done with the first infusion, but now that he was in the car he was starting to question if he was going to be mentally capable of dealing with the demands of learning new choreography.

“You’re sure that you want to go to the studio?Everyone will understand if you need some time to rest after everything that’s happened this morning,” the manager commented, as he parked the van in the parking area for the company building.

“I’m sure… I’d rather be busy right now,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head as he grabbed his backpack and started into the building without waiting for the manager to respond to his comment.

Soonyoung was the only person in the dance studio when Mingyu walked in - something that Mingyu hadn’t really expected when he’d decided to come straight to the room without making sure that it was actually time for choreography rehearsal.“Gyu- _ah_ … how are you feeling?” Soonyoung asked, not moving away from the sound system that he had been in the process of setting up.“Are you just now getting back from the doctor?”

“Yeah… it took longer than I expected,” Mingyu replied, putting his bag down against the wall and starting to change shoes so that he would be ready to dance when everyone else arrived.

“What did the doctor say?”Mingyu paused for a moment, unsure of how he wanted to deal with the situation at hand.On the one hand, Soonyoung was one of the members who most needed to know the full story.But on the other, Mingyu didn’t particularly want the dancer to go easy on him just yet.“Gyu- _ah_?”

“I have MS…” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.He couldn’t bring himself to look at the older man.“They found multiple lesions on my brain.Some are old… but there were three or four that were definitely active yesterday when they did the MRI.”

“ _Aish_ …”Mingyu closed his eyes, even as he felt someone sitting down right next to him on the floor and putting an arm around his shoulders.“We’ll figure it out, yeah?What’s the plan right now?”

“Steroids.They did the first infusion this morning, and I’m supposed to go back the next two days for the other doses,” Mingyu replied.“They also want to start me on interferons, but I want to wait until after promotions because of the side effects…”

“Fuck promotions,” Soonyoung replied.“Your health is more important, Gyu- _ah_ …”

“I’m not saying that I’m going to ignore it all, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I just… it’s less than two months.It isn’t like I’m saying I’m not going to take the medication because of the side effects.I just need to get through this first…”

“No, you don’t.”Mingyu felt the older man squeezing his shoulders.“Even if it means you have to sit out from some schedules, you need to make taking care of your health your first priority.Carats will understand… they’ll be happy for whatever you _can_ do, because they love you.”

“Soonyoung- _ah_ is right.”Mingyu glanced up as he felt another person sit down on his other side, realizing that Seungcheol had joined them in the room.“Whatever the doctors said… you need to follow their suggestions so that you can be healthy.You can’t push yourself to keep going when you’re sick… that isn’t a healthy way of dealing with any of this.”

Mingyu nodded slowly, sighing.“I just… it could be bad,” Mingyu replied.

“We’ll deal with it,” Seungcheol replied.“Can you tell me now, or would you rather wait and tell everyone at the same time?”

“MS,” Mingyu replied.“There are multiple active lesions on my brain.I started steroids this morning… and I’ll talk to the neurologist about starting the other meds the next time I go back.”

Seungcheol smiled at him.“Good.Do you feel up to trying to dance today?”Mingyu nodded, smiling back at the leader.“Okay.Get your shoes on, and once everyone gets here we’ll start working through the choreography.”

Mingyu did as he was told, finishing getting ready for the choreography practice as the rest of the group started to trail in from their respective earlier schedules.Mingyu could tell that some of them wanted to ask questions, but Soonyoung and Seungcheol seemed to be heading everyone off before they could actually come over and interrogate him about his appointment that morning.While he understood why they weren’t keen on the idea of letting everyone else ask him a million questions, it was starting to get a little ridiculous.

“ _Hyung_ … I think I should tell everyone before we get started,” Mingyu commented, walking up to Soonyoung as the dancer finished getting the sound set up.“I just need to get it off of my chest.I can already tell that everyone is worried about what’s going on.”

Soonyoung glanced around the room, before nodding.“Okay.”Mingyu was thankful that the older man seemed to understand what was going on in his head.“Guys… we need to talk before we start today…”

Mingyu could feel the butterflies in his stomach as the other guys moved to sit down around them, and he decided that it would be better if he sat, too.“Is everything okay, _hyung_?” Chan asked, once everyone had gathered.

“Gyu- _ah_ has some news,” Soonyoung replied.

“It’s about your eye, right?” Seungkwan asked.“They figured out what’s wrong?”

Mingyu took a deep breath.“The stuff with my eye… it’s a symptom.Or a complication, maybe?I don’t really know,” he commented, shaking his head.“I have multiple sclerosis.They started me on IV steroids this morning for the active lesions on my brain.It won’t fix my eye… that’s going to stay fucked up for a long time.But it’ll help with some other stuff that’s been happening that I didn’t even realize…”

There was a prolonged moment of silence before Junhui spoke up.“So… what happens now?I know that you said something about the medication, but is there anything else that you have to do?”

“I’ll have to start taking other medication, too… it has a lot of side effects, and it might make it difficult for me to participate in promotions,” Mingyu replied.“I’m supposed to try to avoid getting overheated and take breaks more often to make sure I don’t exhaust myself.I have to pay more attention to how I’m feeling, so that I don’t really make myself sick…”

“But… what does that mean for promotions?” Seokmin asked.“Getting overheated… that’s almost guaranteed when we’re on stage.You can’t completely avoid something like that when you’re an Idol…”

“I know.That’s something that I have to figure out,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“It’s all still kind of up in the air, honestly.Like, I know that as long as I’m feeling okay I’m good to keep performing and working with some modifications to my schedule.But there are still a lot of conversations that have to happen before any final decisions are made.”

“The important thing right now is that we make sure to take care of Gyu- _ah_ while things get figured out,” Seungcheol commented, as Jeonghan moved over and put an arm around Mingyu’s shoulders in an attempt at making sure that he was okay.Mingyu immediately let his head rest against the older man’s shoulder, closing his eyes as Seungcheol spoke.“We may not be able to do anything about his diagnosis, but we can at least help him deal with whatever happens because of it.And with hiding it until he’s ready to talk about it publicly.”

Mingyu hadn’t even thought about having to publicly acknowledge the fact that he was sick.While he could hide it for a while, Mingyu knew that eventually something would make hiding his illness impossible.“I didn’t even think about that…” he began.

“You don’t have to make any decisions right now,” Jeonghan reassured him, even as Junhui moved to cuddle against his other side.

“Hanie- _hyung_ is right,” Junhui added.“You don’t even have enough information to make any decisions right now.Just focus on what you _can_ do, and what you know right now.Everything else can wait until you have more information.”

“Thank you, _hyungs_ ,” Mingyu replied, thankful for the two older men doing their best to comfort him.

“We should probably get started with choreography.Mingyu- _ah_ , I want you to watch what we did yesterday first, and then we’ll add you in once you have an idea of what’s going on,” Soonyoung commented.Mingyu nodded as Junhui and Jeonghan let go of him, moving to their starting positions along with the rest of the group as Mingyu pushed himself back so that he was sitting against the wall, turned just enough to make sure that he could see what was going on while his members ran through what they already knew.

It was pretty easy for Mingyu to pick up on where he was supposed to be within the formations.Although it wouldn’t have been obvious to an outsider, Mingyu had enough knowledge of Soongyoung’s choreography style to have a pretty good idea of both where he was supposed to be in the formations and what he was expected to do.It wasn’t until Mingyu realized just how often Soonyoung had planned for him to be stage left or moving in ways that would require him to understand how far apart the other members were that it hit him just how much things were going to be screwed up by his current predicament.

“ _Hyung_ … what if I can’t do this?” Mingyu asked softly, as Soonyoung came back to help him to his feet and guide him back into his starting position.

“We’ll figure it out,” Soonyoung replied, shaking his head.“We don’t know what’s going to be problematic until we try it.You trust us, right?”Mingyu nodded.“Just give it a chance.If it doesn’t work, then we’ll figure something else out.”


	4. Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to lie - the first thing that came to me about this chapter was Mingyu's comment about Woozi wanting to stab him in the ass with a needle.
> 
> ETA: I somehow completely missed that I didn't title this chapter until like three days later... *facepalm*

“Remind me again why I agreed to let you do this?” Mingyu asked, as he watched Jihoon reading through the instructions that had come with his new medication.Mingyu had read through everything himself earlier in the day, but he’d been hesitant to actually administer the medication on his own.He was nervous about a lot of aspects - the fact that there was a needle somewhere in the packaging, the fact that it might actually hurt, the fact that he didn’t know how his body was going to react to the medication.The side effects listed on the information his doctor had given him were somewhat terrifying, and Mingyu wasn’t sure if he was really ready to start that process.

“Because someone needs to know how to do this in case you have symptoms that make it difficult for you to do this for yourself,” Jihoon replied.“Also, because some of the injection sites are places you won’t be able to reach yourself, and since you’re supposed to rotate it’ll be easier if at least one other person can do this for you on the days you’re supposed to inject somewhere awkward.”

“Why do I have a feeling that you’re just using this as an excuse to stab me in the ass with a needle?” Mingyu asked.He watched as Jihoon shook his head, smirking slightly.“Seriously, you aren’t making me feel any better about agreeing to this with that look on your face, _hyung_.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jihoon replied, shaking his head as he moved towards Mingyu’s bed, where Mingyu had gotten out all of the necessary supplies earlier that evening before his shower.“This is what we have to do to keep you healthy.You know that.”Mingyu nodded, closing his eyes.“Where do you want me to do the injection?”

“I don’t care,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“Let’s just get this over with.”

Jihoon nodded.“Give me your arm,” Jihoon instructed, starting to get everything ready for the actual shot.Mingyu did as he was told, pulling his arm out of his shirt and pulling the fabric up over his shoulder so that Jihoon had easy access to the thin layer of fat on the back of his upper arm.Mingyu closed his eyes as he felt Jihoon cleaning the skin there, still not sure that he wanted to know what was going on.“It might hurt a little…”

“It’s a shot… of course it’s going to hurt,” Mingyu replied.“Just do it, okay?I’m ready to get this over with.”

Mingyu felt Jihoon pressing the injector against his skin.“On three, okay?”Mingyu nodded.“One… two… three…”Mingyu did his best not to move, even as he felt the needle piercing his skin.Jihoon held his arm still for a few moments, before Mingyu felt the older man pulling the injector away.“Done.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu commented, as Jihoon disposed of the needle in the sharps container that they had been sent along with all of the medication.

“Get some rest, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jihoon replied, running a hand through Mingyu’s hair and giving him a quick hug before the smaller man moved away to throw out the rest of the trash from Mingyu’s medication.

Mingyu did as he was told, putting his shirt back on and climbing under the covers of his bed to try and go to sleep.Given the amount of work they’d put in that day, it wasn’t difficult for Mingyu to drift off to sleep before Jihoon had even come back into the room after disposing of everything.

Under normal circumstances, Mingyu would have liked to wake up to someone stroking his hair.But he felt awful; his whole body was aching - worse than it should have given the fact that he had been dancing so heavily for years - and everything was hot and cold at the same time.Mingyu had been aware of the possible side effects of his new medication, but he hadn’t expected them to kick in quite so quickly.“Stop…” he muttered, trying to swipe away the hand that was still playing with his hair despite the fact that he was exhausted.

“It’s time to wake up, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Seungcheol’s voice commented.“Did you take your meds last night?”Mingyu nodded slowly, not opening his eyes.“Tell me what’s going on.”

“Everything hurts…” Mingyu began.He could hear Seungcheol sigh as the door opened and shut.“I don’t want to move, _hyung_ …”

“You don’t have to move yet, but I need you to talk to us,” Jihoon’s voice commented, as Mingyu felt someone putting something in his ear.“We’re going to check your fever, and then we’re going to give you something that will help you feel better.But we need to know exactly what’s happening, Gyu- _ah_.”

“‘M just tired.And sore.And cold and hot at the same time…” Mingyu replied.

“It could be the flu…” Seungcheol began.

“It’s not.Those are all common side effects of interferon,” Jihoon explained.“How does your arm feel, Gyu- _ah_?”

Mingyu moved the arm they had used for his injection the previous night, thankful when it didn’t hurt any more than any other movement he’d made.“Okay.Maybe a little bruised.”

“I’ll look at it after you’ve taken the meds, when you get dressed,” Jihoon replied, as the thermometer beeped to indicate that it was done.

“He’s running a fever…” Seungcheol began.

“It’s fine, _hyung_ ,” Jihoon replied.“It’s low enough that we don’t need to worry… if he gets above 38.4, _then_ we’ll worry about it.But right now, we’re going to give him ibuprofen every few hours to help control his symptoms and let him do as much as he’s feeling up to.”

“We should have waited until after filming…” Mingyu began, forcing his eyes open as the two older men discussed his condition.“I shouldn’t have done this yet…”

“You need this medication, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jihoon replied.“I know that you don’t feel well, but it’ll pass.And we have medication that will help you feel better until it does.”

Mingyu nodded, forcing himself to sit up as Jihoon moved to get the ibuprofen and something for him to drink.“Take it easy, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Seungcheol commented, moving to sit next to him on the side of the bed.“There’s still plenty of time.You don’t have to rush this morning.”

“We have filming…” Mingyu began.

“I woke you guys up first,” Seungcheol replied.“I thought you might need some more time, because of everything going on.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu commented, closing his eyes as the elder rapper rubbed the back of his neck.“You should probably wake up the other guys…”

“We’ve got some time,” Seungcheol replied softly.“Just take it easy, okay?It’s going to be a long day, and we don’t want you to be exhausted before we even get to the schedules…” 

Mingyu nodded, thankful when Jihoon came back with a glass of water and the bottle of ibuprofen from the bathroom.“I didn’t know how many you normally take…” Jihoon began.

“I don’t usually take anything,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.

“Just take one for now.We’ll put the bottle in your bag, so that if you need more in a couple of hours you won’t have to worry about it,” Seungcheol commented.Mingyu nodded, following the older man’s instructions and just taking one of the pills, before handing the bottle back to him.“I’m going to put this in your bag, okay?Just take it easy for a little while, give the meds time to kick in.”

“Why don’t you lay back down for a little while?Getting some more rest can’t hurt,” Jihoon commented.Mingyu nodded, letting his eyes close as he moved to lay back down.He relaxed as he felt one of Jihoon’s small hands rubbing his back.“I’ll keep an eye on him, _hyung_.”

“Thanks, Jihoon- _ah_.Text me if you guys need anything, okay?”


	5. Give Me A Break

“NG!Reset and go again!”Mingyu closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath as they all moved back to their starting positions.His whole body was starting to hurt again, and he could feel his fever beginning to creep back up as the ibuprofen began to wear off.Still, Mingyu knew that he just needed to get through this section of the video filming, and then he would be able to rest for a while.He could fight through the exhaustion for one more run, and Mingyu simply had to hope that it would be considered good and they would be able to take a break and rest.

“Gyu- _ah_?”Mingyu opened his eyes as he felt a hand on his back, seeing Jeonghan looking back at him with concern.“Are you okay?Do you need a break?” 

“I can handle it,” Mingyu began, shaking his head as he began to move towards his starting position until Jeonghan stopped him.

“You’re overheated…” Jeonghan began, motioning for someone else to come over.

“ _Hyung_ …” Mingyu whined, as one of the PAs rushed forward in response to Jeonghan’s signal that something was going wrong.

“Can we get ten minutes, please?” Jeonghan asked.“Gyu- _ah_ isn’t feeling well, and we just need a few minutes to get him cooled off so that he can continue…”

The PA nodded quickly, looking obviously concerned; whether it was Jeonghan’s explanation or Mingyu’s appearance that had her so worried wasn’t clear.Still, she hurried off to talk to the director as Jeonghan guided Mingyu away to sit down on a chair off to the side so that he could rest for a few minutes.The other members slowly seemed to realize what was happening and jumped into action as the director called a ten minute break and hurried over to where Mingyu was sitting.“Is he going to be alright to continue after a break?”

“I’ll be fine,” Mingyu replied, nodding as Chan handed him a bottle of water.“I just need a few minutes to cool off…”

Mingyu could tell that the director wasn’t convinced by his response, especially as Wonwoo came over with an ice pack to hold against the back of Mingyu’s neck.“I need to know if we need to call it a day…” the director began.

“He really will be fine after a break,” Jihoon commented, as the smaller man walked over with one of the pills from Mingyu’s backpack.“It’s a side effect of a medication he’s on…”

The director nodded, watching as Mingyu willingly took the dose of ibuprofen.“Go lay him down in the dressing room until lunch.We’ll move on to something else, and come back to get the last couple of angles on the dance later,” the man commented, before walking away to talk to the crew without giving Mingyu a chance to protest his decision.

“Come on… let’s get you cooled off,” Soonyoung commented, as he and Seungcheol each took one of Mingyu’s arms and helped him to his feet while Wonwoo continued to hold the ice against the back of his neck.“We’ll get you out of these clothes and into something more comfortable for a little while so that you can get some rest.”

“It’s not that serious, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head even as he allowed the two older men to guide him back to where the wardrobe and makeup _noonas_ were hanging out, waiting for the next costume change.

“ _Yah_ … what happened?” one of their usual makeup artists, Nayoung, commented as she rushed over to move everything off the couch so that Mingyu had room to sit down.

“He’s just a little overheated, _noona_ ,” Seungcheol replied.“We’re going to let him lay down in here for a little while to cool off, while they film some other things.Would you mind making sure that he drinks all of his water?”

“No problem,” Nayoung commented, as she began to help Mingyu take off the jacket that he’d been wearing for that part of the video.“Let’s get some layers off… you’ll cool down faster that way.”Mingyu nodded, even though he knew that he was going to feel cold thanks to his fever.“ _Aish_ … that’s a nasty bruise…”

“I bruise easily,” Mingyu replied, as he realized that she was looking at the spot where Jihoon had administered his medication the previous evening.

“Well, at least you’re wearing long sleeves so I won’t have to try and cover it,” Nayoung replied, as she handed the jacket off to one of the stylists so that it could be put away properly.Mingyu couldn’t help shivering as Wonwoo put the ice pack against the back of his neck again, closing his eyes as Nayoung started to dab away the sweat from his face.“Are you sure he isn’t getting sick?It feels like he might be running a fever…”

“He just needs to cool off…” Wonwoo began.

“It’s okay, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu commented, shaking his head.“I don’t mind if we tell Nayoung- _noona_.I trust her.”

“You’re sure, Gyu- _ah_?” Seungcheol asked.Mingyu nodded, not bothering to look up at the leader.“He probably is running a fever… it’s a side effect of interferon treatment…”

“Gyu- _ah_ was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis about a week ago,” Soonyoung added.“He just got started with the shots last night… that’s why his arm is bruised like that.”

Mingyu glanced at the makeup artist, who still seemed to be processing what she’d just been told.“But… multiple sclerosis?You’re an Idol…”

“It’s still in the early stages,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I can’t see out of my right eye at the moment because of it, but the other symptoms I was having when I was diagnosed are getting better because of the steroids they have me on.Eventually, I might not be able to keep performing.But for right now I’m just trying to figure out how to make all of this work.”

There was another brief moment of silence, before Nayoung nodded, smiling at him.“So you’re going to try and finish out your contract?” she asked.

“I can do it,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I don’t know if I’ll have to publicly announce what’s going on before our contracts end, but I’m not going to quit until I have to.”

“We’re trying to help him avoid that for as long as possible,” Seungcheol added.

“Cheollie… the director wants you,” Jeonghan called, walking into the room.

“I’ve got this,” Nayoung commented, as she finished blotting the sweat away from Mingyu’s face.“We’ll get him cooled off and send him back out in a little while.”

“The director said for him to rest until after the lunch break,” Wonwoo commented, moving the ice pack away from the back of Mingyu’s neck.“Drink your water, Gyu- _ah_.Getting dehydrated isn’t going to do you any favors.”Mingyu did as he was told; as much as he didn’t want to admit it, it was kind of difficult to think straight with everything going on and he’d completely forgotten about the water bottle he was supposed to be drinking from.

Mingyu could feel himself starting to drift off as he sat on the couch, his head lolling forward unexpectedly as he nearly dropped the water bottle that he’d only managed to finish half of. 

“Whoa… let’s lay you down, Gyu- _ah_ …” Nayoung commented.Mingyu felt someone taking his water bottle, before he was being guided to lay down on his side with someone’s thigh underneath his head.Mingyu could feel a hand massaging the back of his neck, and he relaxed almost instantly.“Do you really think he’ll be okay?” the woman asked softly.

“For today?Yeah… he needs some rest, but he’ll be able to finish the video as long as the director doesn’t push him too much…” Wonwoo commented softly.“Long-term?I don’t know.Gyu- _ah_ is stubborn, and he’s going to push himself.I don’t know how far he’ll make it… but I know that we’re going to be doing everything we can to help him keep going for as long as he wants to work.”

“I’m glad that he has all of you,” Nayoung commented softly.Mingyu felt the woman gently touching his head again.“His fever seems to be coming down.We’ll have to fix his hair and makeup when it’s time for him to film again, but at least it seems like he’ll be okay.”

“We’ll need to keep up with the meds better, so that this doesn’t happen again,” Wonwoo commented.“The worst part is, this is going to happen at least three times a week for the next few months… it takes a while for the side effects to stop cropping up every single time.And he’s going to be on these meds for a really long time…”

“I can’t imagine what it must be like for him… for all of you to know that your friend is dealing with something so serious,” Nayoung replied.There was a moment of silence, before the woman spoke up again.“Maybe it would be a good idea for him to consider telling your fans what’s going on…”

Mingyu heard Wonwoo sigh, even though he didn’t have the energy to watch the older man’s face or otherwise get involved in the conversation.“I think so, too.But it’s Gyu- _ah_ ’s decision, and I’m not going to push him to do anything that he isn’t comfortable with,” Wonwoo replied.“At some point he isn’t going to have a choice… something will happen that will make it impossible to hide.If he’s lucky, it’ll be a while and he’ll be the one in control of the situation.”


	6. Thrill of the Fall

Mingyu stared out at the city, sipping out of a bottle of water as he watched the sun come up over the tops of the buildings.He’d woken up far earlier than was really normal, escaping to the roof of their building to just be by himself for a while.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”Mingyu startled at the sound of another voice, despite the fact that it was familiar.He’d completely missed anyone else coming up onto the roof, and they had been standing on his right where he still really couldn’t see anything.Mingyu had no idea how long Minki had been standing there watching him, which Mingyu found unnerving.“Are you okay, Gyu- _ah_?” Minki asked softly.Mingyu could see the look of concern on the NU’EST member’s face as he spoke.

“ _Hyung_ … you scared me,” Mingyu began.

“You guys have a comeback today, don’t you?”Mingyu nodded in response to the question.“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?You look like you’ve been up for a while…”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“It’s... complicated.”

“When isn’t life as an Idol complicated?” Minki asked.Mingyu could see the older man turning back to look out at the city again.“Want to talk about it?”

Mingyu took a deep breath, sighing and turning away so that he wouldn’t have to see Minki’s face as he spoke.The last thing Mingyu wanted was to see the disappointment when he didn’t immediately confide in Minki.“How are things going with having Minhyun- _hyung_ back?” Mingyu asked, deciding to avoid the topic entirely.

“So you’re going to deflect, rather than letting out whatever’s going on in your head?” Minki asked.

“That’s the plan,” Mingyu replied.

“Things are fine.It’s kind of weird, because we’d just gotten used to being four.But it’s Minhyun- _ah_.Honestly, I don’t even mind having to share with Jonghyun- _ah_ because it means that Minhyun- _ah_ is with us again,” Minki replied, clearly not willing to push too hard.“You know that whatever’s going on with you guys, you can talk to us.We’re friends… we’re going to be here to listen if you need it.”

Mingyu couldn’t help feeling a bit guilty, knowing that the older man just wanted to help.“I know, _hyung_ ,” he replied, looking down.“I’m just still… I’m still processing everything myself, you know?It’s been a rough month.”Mingyu took another sip out of his water bottle, before he closed his eyes.“I’m scared that today isn’t going to go well.”

“Soonyoung- _ah_ ’s choreography and Jihoon- _ah_ ’s songs are good… and you guys work your asses off.It’s going to be amazing, I’m sure,” Minki replied.

“Not if I fuck it up and run into Wonwoo- _hyung_ in the middle of the song again,” Mingyu replied.“I keep doing it, because I can’t see him during the last chorus.He’s _right_ next to me, but I can’t…”Mingyu shook his head, closing his eyes.“I’m legally blind in my right eye.Everything on that side is just grey - I can’t even see you right now, unless I turn to look at you.”

There was a moment of silence, before Minki spoke up again.“How?You didn’t get hurt, did you?” he asked softly.

“I’m sick,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“Optic neuritis, as a complication of multiple sclerosis.”

“Holy shit…”Mingyu closed his eyes, sighing at the older man’s reaction.“You’re going to promote anyway?”

“I’m not quitting,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“We’re only performing the title as a group this time around… performance team’s song is the B track for promotions, so that I only have to do the dry rehearsal and the live performance on most of the shows.It takes some of the stress off, and gives me some time to figure things out.”

“What happens when you can’t keep going?” Minki asked, after a moment of silence.

Mingyu shrugged.“I haven’t gotten that far yet,” he replied.“I’m still working on figuring out a lot of things, if I’m being honest.How to deal with side effects from the meds, how to not overwork myself and make myself sick.How to just live with this.I don’t even know how I’m going to manage concerts and touring when all of that starts up again…”

“What about your head?How are you doing mentally?” Minki asked.Mingyu felt the older man gently putting a hand on his shoulder as he spoke, squeezing it gently.“Have you talked to anyone yet?”

“It all started in the middle of comeback preparations… I haven’t even had a chance to figure out if that’s something that I _need_ to do yet,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I know that I probably should.It can’t hurt, right?But I’m not sure where I’m supposed to find the time to do that…”

“You should ask your managers for help scheduling something,” Minki commented, moving his hand to rub Mingyu’s back.“Especially if you’re having issues sleeping… that may not seem like a big deal right now, but it’s only going to make things worse for you in the long run.Your body needs rest…”

“I know…” Mingyu replied, nodding.

“Come back down to the dorm with me… I’ll text Seungcheol- _ah_ and let him know where you are, and we can lay down for a while to see if you can get some sleep in a quieter dorm,” Minki commented.

“I need to get back… they’ve arranged for us to have an earlier arrival time, so that there will be fewer people when we get there that I have to worry about,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“My depth perception sucks right now… Jihoon- _hyung_ and the other guys have been trying to help me, but I’m worried that someone is going to notice and say something about it…”

“At least let me walk you back?If your depth perception is off, it’s going to be difficult for you to go down the stairs on your own,” Minki replied.Mingyu nodded, letting Minki take his arm as they started back down into the stairwell of their building.Mingyu hadn’t really thought about how he was going to get downstairs safely from the roof; he’d gotten used to someone just grabbing his arm and making sure he didn’t fall down the stairs or run into anything as they moved around their apartment building or the company building.It was so normal that he hadn’t even questioned it, but being on the roof without any of his members really showed him just how little he realized the changes that had happened.

The walk back downstairs was silent, as Mingyu focused on making sure that he didn’t miss any of the stairs on his way down.Mingyu didn’t want to lose his balance with Minki at his side; even though the older man was trying to help, Mingyu was concerned that _if_ he fell it would end up with both of them getting hurt.

The two of them were on their way past Seventeen’s second, upstairs dorm as Soonyoung rushed out of the door in his pajamas, phone still in hand.“ _Aish_ … Gyu- _ah_ , where have you been?”

“I was on the roof… I had my phone…” Mingyu began, pulling out the device.It wasn’t until he saw the dozen or so missed calls from various members of his group - mostly Seungcheol and Jihoon - that he realized he’d never bothered to turn on the ringer when he got upstairs.Mingyu felt sick as he realized just how much trouble he was about to be in.“ _Hyung_ … I’m so sorry…”

“Let’s just get you downstairs before Seungcheol- _hyung_ calls the managers…” Soonyoung began, taking Mingyu’s arm and turning to Minki.“Thank you, _hyung_ , for bringing him downstairs.I’ll take it from here.”

“Gyu- _ah_ … remember what we talked about, okay?” Minki asked.

Mingyu nodded.“Thank you, _hyung_.”

Going down the last flight of stairs with Soonyoung was a bit nerve-wracking, mostly because Mingyu knew that he was likely going to be yelled at when they arrived back in his dorm.

The downstairs dorm was more than a little chaotic as Soonyoung walked him into the living room.“Hey… he’s safe…” Soonyoung called out, as Seungcheol hurried towards them.“Minki- _hyung_ was bringing him down from the roof when I was on the way out of the dorm.”

“Thank God… I was worried that something had happened to you…” Seungcheol commented, pulling Mingyu into a hug that was almost too tight.“You can’t just disappear like that Gyu- _ah_ … especially not right now…”

“ _Mianheyo_ , _hyung_ …I just needed to be alone for a little while,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I forgot to turn the ringer back on when I unplugged my phone…”

Seungcheol sighed, shaking his head.“Just go get dressed… at least we can call off the search.I need to call manager- _hyung_ and let him know that you’re safe before anything else happens,” the leader commented, sighing.Mingyu did as he was told, heading back to his room to change into the outfit that one of their stylists had chosen for him for the day.

Mingyu had barely made it through the door before Jihoon hurried over to wrap him in a tight hug.“You _idiot_ …” Jihoon began, before pushing Mingyu away.“Do you have any idea how worried we were when I woke up and we couldn’t find you?”

“I’m sorry, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I couldn’t sleep, and I wasn’t really thinking straight when I got up…”

Jihoon sighed, shaking his head.“You scared the hell out of us, Gyu- _ah_ … we were afraid that you’d gone off and done something stupid…”

“What?” Mingyu asked, unsure of what Jihoon was trying to imply.Jihoon seemed uncomfortable with explaining what they had been thinking.“ _Hyung_ … what did you think I was going to do?”

“You’ve been off ever since you were diagnosed…” Jihoon began.The older man stopped, before he shook his head again.“When we couldn’t find you, we all got worried that you’d disappeared on us to do something drastic to make it all stop…”Mingyu still didn’t understand, and he raised an eyebrow at the man’s explanation.“Fuck, Gyu- _ah_ … we thought that you’d done something to hurt yourself on purpose…”

Everything clicked suddenly, and Mingyu nodded slowly.“You thought I was going to commit suicide…” he began softly.

“You haven’t really dealt with any of this yet,” Jihoon replied, shaking his head.“We’ve all been wondering if we should have pushed the managers to make you talk to someone.With all of the pressure we’re under, on top of being diagnosed with something so serious… I know that it doesn’t sound like something you would do, but you haven’t really been yourself lately.”

Mingyu suddenly understood why everyone was so stressed by his disappearance, which only served to make him feel worse.“I really wasn’t trying to worry anyone…” Mingyu began.

Jihoon sighed, pulling Mingyu into a hug again.“I know, Gyu- _ah_.I believe you, okay?”Mingyu nodded, just enjoying the fact that the elder man was willingly initiating skinship with him, even if the reasoning behind it wasn’t exactly pleasant.“We’ll talk more later, okay?Right now, we need to get dressed…”

“I’m going to talk to the managers about talking to someone,” Mingyu replied, knowing that Jihoon needed to hear what he’d decided.“Minki- _hyung_ found me on the roof, and he convinced me that I should do it even if I don’t really _need_ it yet.You’re right that I’m not really dealing with things… I’m having trouble sleeping, too.I need to get on top of this, before things get so far out of hand that I _do_ make a stupid, permanent decision like that…”

Jihoon smiled, nodding.“Good.I’ll go to the managers with you, if you want, yeah?”

Mingyu nodded.“Yeah, _hyung_.I’d appreciate that.”


	7. Depression

Mingyu couldn’t keep his eyes open as they drove through the city.It was too early to be up on their only day off during the week - a luxury in the middle of promotions.But Mingyu had asked for the managers to arrange an appointment for him with a therapist, and that was the best they were able to do on short notice.Given the difficulties caused by the fact that he was an Idol, Mingyu was just thankful that they had been able to find _anyone_ willing to take him on as a client.

The company had insisted that the therapist meet him at the company building for the sake of privacy, given the fact that Mingyu wasn’t ready to publicly acknowledge his diagnosis.Although he knew that it would make life easier, Mingyu wasn’t ready to admit that he was sick publicly and the company was doing their best to keep it under wraps.

“You awake?” the manager asked, as the van pulled to a stop in front of the company building.

Mingyu nodded.“I can go home and go to sleep after, right?” Mingyu asked.It had been a bit of a rough night; Mingyu was still experiencing severe symptoms from the medication, and despite the fact that he’d been trying his best to medicate himself in advance and keep things under control he still felt pretty awful.

“Of course.We’ll get you something to eat on the way home, and you’ll be able to do whatever you need,” the manager replied.“If you start to feel too sick, you can always ask to end the appointment early.”

Mingyu nodded, getting out of the car and heading into the company building to the small room that had been set aside for his appointment that morning.It was technically a studio, but the equipment hadn’t been updated in a while and most of the people that produced music for the company avoided using it whenever they could.Mingyu had been thankful that it had been chosen, given the fact that the room was soundproofed.

“Kim Mingyu- _ssi_?”Mingyu bowed at the woman already seated inside the studio.“Please, make yourself comfortable… my name is Lee Jieun.How are you feeling today?”

“Tired… not feeling all that great,” Mingyu admitted, as he took a seat across from the woman and pulled his coat a bit closer around his body.He could see that she was concerned by his comments, although she didn’t immediately comment on it.Still, Mingyu felt the need to explain himself, since what was happening with his body was part of the reason he was seeing her in the first place.“The medication I’m on makes me feel like I have the flu for a day or so after I take it, and I had to take a dose last night.”

“I’m sorry… I’m sure that has to be frustrating,” Jieun replied.Mingyu nodded, looking down at his lap.Despite the fact that he’d asked for this, he couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable now that he was actually faced with the reality of talking to a therapist.“Take your time, okay?We’re going to go at your pace.”

Mingyu nodded.“I’m sorry - I didn’t expect it to be this hard,” he commented, closing his eyes.“It’s difficult to actually talk about all of this with someone I don’t know at all, when I still haven’t even told all of my friends what’s going on…”

“I can understand the hesitance… there’s a lot of stigma surrounding mental health in this country, and as an Idol I’m sure that’s something that’s always at the back of your mind,” Jieun replied.“What I can say to ease your mind is that whatever we talk about in this room, or wherever we meet for our sessions, is completely confidential.The only thing that would make me break confidentiality would be if you were to tell me something that made me think you were a danger to yourself or to someone else.”

“Not even my managers?” Mingyu asked.

“Not even a manager,” Jieun reassured.“The most I would ever be able to say to them is to ask them to take you to the hospital, if a situation arises in which I feel that you need more intensive treatment from a psychiatrist because I have reason to believe that you or someone else is in danger because of your condition.”

Mingyu nodded, relaxing a bit as he realized that it really was going to be okay.“Thank you,” he replied.“I just… if this came out - if _any_ of this leaked to the public - it could be bad.I’m already enough of a burden to my members.”

“What makes you feel as though you’re a burden, Mingyu- _ssi_?” the woman asked.

Mingyu took a deep breath.“They’re always having to take care of me… I’ve always been a klutz, but it’s been worse for the past few weeks.I have multiple sclerosis, and I’ve lost the vision in my right eye, at least temporarily.I can’t walk down the stairs in our building on my own… or even go to the bathroom without walking into something.They’ve all just sort of started helping without even being asked, but I feel guilty that they _have_ to think about those things for me…”

“Has anyone actually said anything to you about those changes?” Jieun asked.

Mingyu shook his head, looking down at his lap.“They wouldn’t… at least not right now,” Mingyu explained.“Everyone is worried about me.They’re all walking on eggshells when I’m around, too, like they’re afraid that I’m a completely different person and I can’t handle the way our relationships used to be.A couple of days ago, I woke up early and went to the roof without really thinking about it.I just wanted to be alone… I wasn’t going to _do_ anything.They woke up before I got back downstairs, and when they couldn’t find me or get me on the phone they freaked out.Called the managers and everything.Jihoon- _hyung_ … he told me that they were afraid that I’d gone off to hurt myself, to try and end everything before it got as bad as we know it’s going to get.”

“But you weren’t, were you?” Jieun asked.

Mingyu smiled, remembering the conversation with Jihoon.“I didn’t even understand what he was trying to imply… he didn’t want to actually say the words, and it took me way too long to understand what he actually meant,” Mingyu explained.“I’m not suicidal… I want to keep going, and to push through and keep going as long as I can in the industry.I _want_ to be an Idol.Performing usually makes me happy.”

“Usually?”

“Right now… I don’t know,” Mingyu admitted.“I have moments when I’m happy.But I also have a lot of time that I’m not sure how I’m going to keep going, because it’s _hard_.I’ve been doing this for years, but this is the hardest promotion period I’ve ever had to go through.”

There was a brief moment of silence, as Jieun made a few notes and Mingyu tried to get his emotions under control.He didn’t want to break down; Mingyu had already cried more than he was willing to admit about the situation at hand.“Mingyu- _ssi_ … do you think that you might be depressed?” she finally asked, after a few moments of silence.

Mingyu bit down on his bottom lip, considering what the woman was asking before nodding slowly.“Maybe, yeah,” Mingyu replied.“I’m not sleeping well.I don’t have much of an appetite… I eat, because I know I have to unless I want to end up in a much worse state than I’m already in.But I don’t _want_ food, and right now I’m just going through the motions.I’m struggling not to break down most of the time when I’m alone.But I smile for the cameras and pretend like everything is okay, even though I know that it’s not.”

“Have you mentioned that to anyone else?” Jieun asked.

“Not really… I told Minki- _hyung_ that I wasn’t sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure that some of the guys are starting to figure it out,” Mingyu replied.“They don’t really let me be alone for very long… especially not after the roof incident.”

“Even though nothing happened?” Jieun asked.

Mingyu shrugged.“I think they’re afraid that I won’t tell them if things change,” he replied.“I don’t want to hurt myself.But I understand why they’re worried.”


	8. Side Effects

Mingyu curled into the warmth of another member’s body as he felt someone climbing into his bed, not bothering to open his eyes.He just wanted to have someone close to him, and Mingyu didn’t particularly care which of his members was climbing into bed with him at that moment.He’d gone straight to bed when he got home from meeting with his new therapist, collapsing and falling asleep before he’d even managed to talk to any of his members about what had happened in his session.While he knew that he needed to talk - at least to the group’s leaders - Mingyu had been too exhausted to even think about it at the time.

“Are you hungry, Gyu- _ah_?”Mingyu recognized Jeonghan’s voice, but he simply shook his head and buried his face in the older man’s chest.He didn’t want to move at all; his whole body was still sore, and he was exhausted from having to get up so early to go to meet with his new therapist when he already didn’t feel well.Even with the extended nap he’d taken, Mingyu felt as though he could sleep for another week at least.

“C’mon, Gyu- _ah_ … we need to get something in your stomach so that we can give you the meds for your fever,” Jeonghan commented, rubbing his back.

“Please don’t make me move…” Mingyu groaned.The last thing he wanted was to actually get out of bed, but he knew that he wasn’t going to get away with missing a meal.Mingyu just didn’t have the energy.

“Gyu- _ah_ … you need to eat,” Jeonghan commented softly.

“He isn’t coming?” another voice asked from elsewhere in the room.It took Mingyu a moment to recognize it as Wonwoo’s voice

“I think he’s feeling pretty rough,” Jeonghan replied, reaching up to stroke a hand through Mingyu’s hair.“Gyu- _ah_ … will you at least sit up long enough to drink some water and take something for your fever?I’m worried that you’re going to get dehydrated.”

Mingyu nodded, letting the older man help him sit up despite the fact that every muscle in his body was aching and all he really wanted to do was go back to sleep.Thankfully, Jeonghan seemed to realize that Mingyu didn’t want to sit up on his own and the older man was quick to adjust their positions so that Mingyu was leaning against his chest.“Wonwoo- _yah_ , will you bring us a couple of water bottles, and maybe one of the popsicles from the freezer?”

“I’m not hungry…” Mingyu protested.

“It’s to help bring down your fever and keep you hydrated, that’s all,” Jeonghan replied softly and stroking a hand through his hair.“You don’t have to finish it, but I want you to at least try, okay?”Mingyu nodded slowly, closing his eyes again.

“He seems worse today…” Jihoon’s voice commented.Mingyu couldn’t help feeling confused; he hadn’t even noticed that there were so many other people in the room with them.“ _Hyung_ , we should check his temperature before we give him anything else.I don’t like this…”

Mingyu felt Jeonghan sigh, and a moment later he could feel the thermometer in his ear as they waited for it to beep.There was a moment of silence after the beep, before Mingyu felt Jeonghan stroking a hand through his hair.“We might need to call a manager… he’s at 39.2…” Jeonghan began.

“ _Aish_ …” Jihoon commented.“I’m calling someone about taking him to the doctor… get him to drink some water and try to get the meds into him, _hyung_.” 

Mingyu forced his eyes open as Jihoon hurried out of the room, still not completely sure of what was going on.“ _Hyung_?” he asked, turning to look at Jeonghan’s face.

“It’s okay, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jeonghan replied, smiling at him.“You’re going to be good and take the meds for me, right?”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I’ll eat…”

“ _Yah_ … we aren’t taking you to the hospital because you don’t want to eat, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jeonghan replied, stroking his hair.“We’re calling a manager because we’re worried that you’re more sick than we originally suspected.We just want to make sure that you don’t get dehydrated, and to get you checked out so that we’re positive you haven’t caught the flu or anything like that.”

Wonwoo was back a moment later, with the requested supplies.“I got banana… that’s your favorite, right Gyu- _ah_?” the elder rapper asked, smiling at Mingyu as he passed over the first bottle of water to Jeonghan and grabbing the bottle of ibuprofen that had been left next to Mingyu’s bed ever since he’d started the interferon treatments.

“Meds first, okay?Then we can try the popsicle,” Jeonghan replied.Mingyu was more than willing to cooperate with the older men, knowing that they were only trying to help him.Swallowing the pills wasn’t exactly easy - Mingyu still wasn’t used to swallowing pills quite so often, but he knew that it was necessary and so he kept trying even when it was difficult.He managed to drink a good bit of the water bottle, before Jeonghan handed it back to Wonwoo.“Why don’t we try the popsicle, Gyu- _ah_?You need more than just water right now.”

Mingyu nodded, taking the popsicle from Wonwoo once it was open.He tentatively started eating the popsicle, shivering from the combination of his fever and the cold of the popsicle.“He’s shivering…” Wonwoo began.

“It’s the fever,” Jeonghan replied.“We just need to get it down as quickly as possible, before it has a chance to get any worse.” 

“Manager- _hyung_ is on his way over,” Jihoon commented, as he came back into the room.“He said to just try and get his fever down for right now.If it’s still high when he gets here or if he’s getting dehydrated, he’ll take Gyu- _ah_ to the hospital.”

“I can stay hydrated…” Mingyu began.

“Eat your popsicle, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Jeonghan replied softly, still stroking his hair.“Go eat, guys… I’ll stay here with Gyu- _ah_ and make sure he’s okay until manager- _hyung_ gets here.”

“I’ll save you some lunch, _hyung_ ,” Wonwoo replied, squeezing Mingyu’s knee.“Let us know if you need anything, Gyu- _ah_.”

Mingyu only made it about halfway through the popsicle before he couldn’t make himself eat any more.“I can’t, _hyung_ …” he began, trying to look for somewhere to place the rest of the popsicle. 

Jeonghan was quick to take it, putting it somewhere Mingyu couldn’t see and grabbing the bottle of water again so that Mingyu could try to drink some more.“You’re doing so well, Gyu- _ah_.Drink some more water, okay?” Jeonghan encouraged.The older man’s voice was soft, even as he gently adjusted their positions so that it would be more comfortable for the both of them.“The more that you can get down, the less likely it is that we’ll have to take you to the hospital.”

“Please don’t let them pull me…” Mingyu began, closing his eyes as he did what he was told and tried to finish off the bottle in hopes that his temperature would be down far enough that he wouldn’t need the hospital.

“Shh… if they pull you, it’s because you need to be pulled,” Jeonghan replied.“You can’t go onstage like this.But if you’re feeling better, then you’ll have no problem convincing the staff to let you go ahead and perform tomorrow.”

“I’ll be fine, _hyung_ …” Mingyu began.

“I’m sure you will be,” Jeonghan commented, stroking a hand through his hair.

Mingyu was starting to drift off again as one of their managers arrived in the room, moving to kneel next to the bed.“How’s he doing?” the man asked, placing his hand against Mingyu’s forehead.

“I think his fever is coming down… I haven’t checked again since Jihoon- _ah_ called you.But we got him to drink a whole bottle of water and eat about half of a popsicle,” Jeonghan replied.Mingyu didn’t move away as he felt the thermometer being put into his ear again.“He doesn’t want to go to the hospital, so he was more than willing to take the meds and do what we asked to bring his fever down.”

The thermometer beeped, and Mingyu heard the manager sigh.“Thank God… it’s down to 38.5…” the man commented.“As long as it’s coming down and he’s not showing any serious signs of dehydration, I think it’s okay to wait.Last night was an interferon dose, right?”

“Yeah, it was,” Jeonghan replied.“He’s run a fever the day after every time, but this seems a lot worse than usual.His fever is higher, and he’s been a lot more uncomfortable…”

“ _Aish_ … and he still isn’t even on the full dose…” the manager began, sighing.“I think we might need to talk to his doctor about changing his medication.These side effects are too much for him to keep going… it’s no wonder he’s struggling.”


	9. We Love You

Mingyu found himself sitting on the couch several hours later, once his fever had finally broken and he’d been able to clean himself up a bit.The fatigue was still there despite all of the additional rest he’d gotten, but he at least felt a bit more like himself rather than the disaster he’d been that morning when he’d first gotten home from seeing his new therapist.“Feeling better?” Soonyoung asked, as the choreographer handed him a mug of hot tea before he sat down next to Mingyu with a smile on his face.

“Yeah… the side effects of the meds suck, but they wear off pretty quickly,” Mingyu replied, smiling at the older man and taking a sip of the hot tea.“Thanks, _hyung_.”

Soonyoung nodded.“Want to talk about your appointment this morning?”

Mingyu couldn’t help chuckling slightly.“Not going to beat around the bush, huh, _hyung_?” he asked, taking a sip of his tea.

“Don’t see much point… either you’ll tell us, or you won’t.Your choice.”Mingyu nodded, thankful that the older man seemed to understand.“I just wanted to make sure you knew that you could talk to us, if you want.We’re all willing to listen.”

Mingyu nodded.“Jieun- _ssi_ asked me if I think I might be depressed,” Mingyu admitted.“I… I think she’s right about that.”

There was a long moment of silence, as the choreographer processed what Mingyu was saying.“I think anyone would be, in your situation,” Soonyoung began, although Mingyu could tell that he was thinking about his words carefully.“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m not suicidal,” Mingyu replied softly.“I know that’s what all of you are worried about, but I promise that I’m not going to hurt myself.I’m still not ready to give up.”

Soonyoung smiled sadly, reaching out to ruffle Mingyu’s hair slightly.“But you’d tell us if that changed, right?” 

Mingyu nodded.“I will.”Mingyu turned away from the older man to take a sip of his tea.He took a deep breath, sighing.“I know that all of this is hard on the rest of you, too…”

“Don’t worry so much about us,” Soonyoung commented.

“I don’t want to become your burden,” Mingyu commented, shaking his head.“I don’t want the rest of you to ever feel like you _have_ to take care of me… but right now I feel like that’s all anyone is able to do, because I’m struggling so much more than we thought I would…”

“Gyu- _ah_ , you’re our friend.We _want_ to help you,” Soonyoung replied, shaking his head.“The only thing that would stop us from trying to help you would be if you told us that you no longer want to do this.As long as you still want to be an Idol, and a member of Seventeen, then we’re going to be by your side.That’s what friends do for each other.”

Mingyu could feel the tears starting to sting at his eyes as Soonyoung spoke, and he reached up to wipe them away.“ _Aish_ … I didn’t mean to make you cry, Gyu- _ah_ …”

“What’s going on?”Mingyu looked up at the sound of Jihoon’s voice, knowing that his roommate was probably going to be upset if he saw him crying.“ _Yah_ … Soonyoung- _ah_ , what did you say?”Jihoon sat down on Mingyu’s other side, putting an arm around his shoulders.“Are you okay, Gyu- _ah_?”

“I’m fine, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.

“We were just talking about what happened at his appointment this morning,” Soonyoung added.

Mingyu could tell that Jihoon wasn’t completely convinced, but the singer nodded at Soonyoung’s words before turning back to Mingyu.“You don’t have to talk about anything that upsets you, you know,” Jihoon began, rubbing the back of Mingyu’s neck.

“It’s really okay, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied.“It’s just been a rough day… with not feeling well and the therapy appointment this morning, I’m kind of feeling overwhelmed…”

“Do you need to go lay down?No one is going to be upset if you need to lay down for a while, you know,” Jihoon commented.

Mingyu shook his head.“No, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied.“I just… I’m having a hard time right now with everything.It’s a lot harder doing this than I thought it would be at first.Not just physically, but dealing with the emotional side of things, too.I feel guilty that you guys are always having to help me out and take care of me.My therapist thinks that I might be depressed, and honestly right now I’m inclined to believe her…”

There was a long pause in the conversation, before Mingyu felt Jihoon pulling him a bit closer so that the older man could give him a proper hug.“We’re going to be here for you, Gyu- _ah_.Whatever you need, okay?”Mingyu nodded, smiling as he let his head rest on top of Jihoon’s for a moment.

“Is everything okay?” another familiar voice asked.Mingyu looked up to see Seungcheol moving to sit on the coffee table so that he could face the pile of people on the couch.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Soonyoung replied.“Gyu- _ah_ just needed to talk about some stuff.But we’ve got it covered, _hyung_.”

Seungcheol nodded, reaching out to squeeze Mingyu’s knee gently.“How are you feeling, anyway?Manager- _hyung_ asked me to check on you and see if you felt up to performing in the morning,” the leader asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Mingyu replied, nodding.“Physically, I’m feeling a lot better.My head’s still a little weird, but I think the therapist is going to help a lot.We talked about the fact that I’m probably depressed, and we’re going to work on making sure I’m able to handle it.I’ve already thought about it, and if it get’s worse I’ll ask about going to see a psychiatrist and getting more help.”

“You’ll talk to us about what’s going on, right?” Seungcheol asked.“If things start to get that bad, we need to know so that we can help you through whatever’s going on in your head.And we want to make sure that you’re okay…”

“I will,” Mingyu replied, nodding.“I know that you’re all worried… the last thing I want to do is cause the rest of you any more stress than we’re already having to deal with.But I promise you all, I’m not suicidal.I want to keep working, and I want to be a part of Seventeen.I’m going to stay for as long as I can.”Mingyu smiled as he felt Soonyoung petting his hair gently, closing his eyes as he let his head rest against Jihoon’s.“I love you guys.You know that, right?” Mingyu asked softly.

“We love you, too, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Soonyoung replied.

“We’d do anything for you,” Jihoon added.“You take care of the people that are special to you.And you’re so special, to all of us.”

Mingyu smiled.“Thank you, _hyungs_.”


	10. Group Chat

Nayoung was putting the finishing touches on Mingyu’s hair as Seungcheol walked over with a bottle of water.“Hey, Gyu- _ah_ … manager- _hyung_ asked me to let you know that they’re pulling you from the fanmeet this afternoon for a doctor’s appointment,” the man commented, handing him the bottle.It was clear that Seungcheol was trying his best not to let Mingyu see his own reaction to the news.

“What?No way…” Mingyu began, shaking his head.“I’m fine, _hyung_ … it was a fluke…”

“I tried, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Seungcheol replied, shaking his head.“It’s probably better if you go, anyway.You can’t perform tomorrow if you’re doing as bad as you were yesterday.”

Mingyu sighed, closing his eyes.“What are they saying to explain my absence?” he asked softly.“Carats are going to be upset…”

“They have the company writing up a press release stating that you’ve caught the flu, and that you’re being taken to the hospital for treatment this afternoon.They’re going to release it after the performance,” Seungcheol replied, putting a hand on his shoulder.“I doubt anyone will question it - Carats have been commenting all week on how tired you look, and a couple have asked on some of the performance videos if you’ve lost weight…”

Mingyu shook his head.“I’m trying, _hyung_ …”

“I know you are, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Seungcheol replied.“We all know that you’re having a hard time right now.No one that knows the truth would ever think that you aren’t trying.”

Mingyu took a deep breath, closing his eyes again.“I’m not getting out of this one, am I?”

“No way,” Seungcheol replied.“Manager- _hyung_ already called to make sure that they could see you this afternoon… they’re going to pull you as soon as we’re done performing.”

“But we’re nominated…” Mingyu began, shaking his head.“I don’t want to miss a chance at a first win…”

Mingyu felt Seungcheol squeezing his shoulder.“I know… it sucks.But wouldn’t it be better to just miss a finale, than to miss an entire show?I’m afraid that if you don’t go and take care of this today, it’s only going to get worse…” Seungcheol began.

“Seungcheol- _ah_ is right, Gyu- _ah_ … if you were that sick yesterday, it’s better if you go take care of your health after you perform instead of trying to force yourself to push through being so sick tomorrow,” Nayoung commented, keeping her voice soft enough so that the other stylists wouldn’t be able to easily overhear the conversation.Although Mingyu knew that some of the other staff members had their suspicions about what was going on, they’d managed to keep the news fairly well contained to just the people that Mingyu trusted outside of those that absolutely _had_ to know.“You could make yourself really sick if you don’t take proper care of yourself.And I’d hate to see you have to miss even more of promotions or performances.”

“It’s one day, Gyu- _ah_ …” Seungcheol began

“I need to take a walk,” Mingyu commented, standing up.

“Back in ten minutes, okay?It’s almost time for our dry rehearsal.”Mingyu nodded at Seungcheol’s instructions, hurrying out of the room so that he could process what was going on in his head without having to worry about his other members.

“Feeling alright, Gyu- _ah_?”Mingyu was surprised by the sound of Lee Dongmin’s voice as he leaned against the window at the far end of the hall, and it took him a moment to find his friend thanks to the fact that everything on his right side was still vaguely gray-looking.While he could tell that his vision had improved slightly since he’d first been diagnosed, it still wasn’t enough for Mingyu to actually _see_ anything.

Dongmin looked obviously concerned once Mingyu found his face.“I’m fine,” he replied, shaking his head.

“You’ve barely even read the group chat in weeks, let alone actually responding.And every time I’ve seen you at any of the shows lately you’ve pretty much ignored me… did we do something to upset you?” Dongmin asked.

Mingyu sighed, closing his eyes and letting his head rest against the glass.“That would be a lot easier to fix than what’s actually going on…” Mingyu began.When Dongmin didn’t immediately ask hm the obvious question, Mingyu turned to look his friend in the eye.“Seokmin- _ah_ and Minghao- _yah_ haven’t said anything to you guys?I figured they would have sent everyone DMs about what’s going on by now…”

“You make it sound as if you’re dying…” Dongmin joked, scoffing audibly.When Mingyu didn’t respond, he felt the other man placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently.“ _Aish_ … that was a joke.Please don’t tell me that’s got something to do with what’s actually happening…”

“I’m not dying,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.

“Then what’s got you so upset…?”

Mingyu took a deep breath.“That’s… a lot more than I can really talk about in the time I have left before I have to be back in our dressing room,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.

“Can you at least give me the short version, so that I don’t have to spend the rest of the day worrying about you?” Dongmin asked.

“Multiple sclerosis.”Mingyu opened his eyes, watching Dongmin’s reaction.The other man looked confused, and Mingyu sighed.“I can’t see anything out of my right eye… my right arm was numb for a week or so when I was first diagnosed, but the steroids they gave me helped with that.Although it’s still not as strong as it was before everything happened.And now I’m getting pulled from everything after we perform today, because the medication they have me on made me so sick yesterday that I have to go see my doctor about changing meds.”

“ _Aish_ …” Dongmin replied, leaning heavily against the window.“And that’s the _short_ version?”Mingyu couldn’t help chuckling slightly at his friend’s response, shaking his head.“I’m amazed they’re letting you perform at all, under the circumstances.It has to be harder, trying to do it all when you’re still trying to figure everything out…”

“I’m not going to give up just because life has gotten a little harder,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I’m still able to work.Right now, my goal is to make it until our contracts expire and then figure out where to go from there.If I can get that long without things getting so bad that I can’t work, then I’ll be okay with bowing out and ending my career if that’s what’s best.But I don’t want to give up…”

Mingyu was only a little surprised when Dongmin moved forward to wrap him in a hug.“You should tell the group chat… you know that we’re your friends, and we’ll be here for you…” Dongmin began.

“I’m afraid that someone will get hacked and it’ll leak before I’m ready…” Mingyu replied.

“Then call the others when you get a chance.But don’t hold it in, Gyu- _ah_.We’re your friends.And I know that they’re going to want to know so that they can be there for you.”Mingyu nodded, reaching up to wipe at a few stray tears that were threatening to fall and ruin all of Nayoung’s hard work on making him look presentable.“ _Aish_ … we can’t cry right now, or both of our stylists will have our heads…”Mingyu couldn’t stop himself from chuckling at the other man’s joke, even if it really wasn’t all that funny.

“Thank you, Dongmin- _ah_ …” Mingyu replied, sighing.“I should probably head back to our dressing room… I’m not sure how much longer I have before I have to be back, and I don’t want to stress anyone else out any more than I already have…”

“Is everything okay in the dorm?” Dongmin asked, immediately linking arms with Mingyu and starting to guide him back towards the dressing rooms without even asking if he needed any help.

“It’s fine… I just didn’t really think about what I was doing the other day, and I left to go up on the roof to be alone without telling anyone.I forgot to turn on my ringtone, and I scared everyone pretty badly,” Mingyu replied.“They’ve all been really great about everything else, but I know that it’s all been really stressful for them, too.Especially given the fact that we don’t really know how long I’m going to be able to keep working.I’m going to become a burden…”

“I’m sure that no one would see you as a burden,” Dongmin interrupted.

“Whether they choose to agree with that assessment or not, it’s the truth.A lot of the _hyungs_ are already putting so much energy into taking care of me when I’m dealing with side effects of my medication, and it’s only been a few weeks…” Mingyu commented.“I don’t think they would ever say anything about it to my face, but I know that this is hard on all of them, too.And they shouldn’t _have_ to put so much of their energy into me, when they already have so little left over for themselves at the end of the day…”

“We have to take care of our own,” Dongmin replied.“It would be the same if it was one of my members… we would do anything necessary to help, because it’s someone we care about and someone that we don’t want to lose.I’m sure that’s why your members are working so hard to make sure that you’re okay.”

“Dongmin- _ah_ is right about that,” Wonwoo commented, as the elder rapper walked up to them.“I’m sorry, Dongmin- _ah_ , but I’m going to have to steal Gyu- _ah_ for our rehearsal.”

“It’s fine… I need to get back before our stylists finish trying to fix Binnie’s hair,” Dongmin commented, smiling at him.“Text us, Gyu- _ah_.Seriously.We miss you.”


	11. Friendship

Mingyu looked up as he felt someone placing a blanket around his shoulders, surprised to find Dongho standing there next to him with a thermos and two plastic mugs.Mingyu raised an eyebrow, confused by the NU’EST member’s presence.“ _Hyung_?” he asked softly.

“I saw you up here from the street, and thought you looked cold,” Dongho replied, opening the thermos and filling the first mug with some kind of hot tea before passing it over to Mingyu.“Have you been up here long?”

“I don’t know,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head as he took the mug.Mingyu was still confused by what was happening, but Dongho seemed completely oblivious to the fact that the whole situation was strange.Not because the two of them weren’t friends - the NU’EST members had always been kind to their _dongsaengs_ , and the two groups had become close over the years since Seventeen had debuted.But the fact that Dongho had come up to the roof specifically because of Mingyu, and that he’d brought up tea and a blanket for him, wasn’t something Mingyu had expected.“What are you doing up here, _hyung_?”

Dongho sat down on the barrier designed to stop anyone from easily falling off the roof, turning so that he could face Mingyu.“Minki- _yah_ told us that you were having a rough time… when I saw you up here, I figured that it would be a good idea to come check on you and make sure you weren’t going to do something stupid tonight…”

Mingyu sighed, closing his eyes.“I’m sick, not suicidal,” he replied.

“I saw that you were being treated for the flu… shouldn’t you be in bed, if you’re that sick?” Dongho asked.

Mingyu scoffed, shaking his head.“You know that was all a lie, right?It was an excuse to get me out of schedules without it seeming suspicious,” Mingyu replied.

“Why would they do that?” Dongho asked.Mingyu opened his eyes, turning to look at the older man to see if Dongho was being serious.The older man was clearly confused, and Mingyu wasn’t sure whether he was glad for that or not.“We aren’t allowed to just skip schedules without a reason…”

“Minki- _hyung_ didn’t tell you anything?” Mingyu asked, unsure of how to respond to the elder man’s question.

Dongho shook his head, still obviously confused.“Minki- _yah_ knows something?”

Mingyu took a breath, nodding and turning away from the older man before he spoke.“He found me up here a while back… I figured he would have shared with the rest of you.”

“He’s pretty good at keeping secrets.He wouldn’t have told us anything if he wasn’t sure that you wanted us to know,” Dongho replied.Mingyu nodded slowly, biting down on his bottom lip as he processed the older man’s words.“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m going to have to get used to talking about it… I can’t keep this a secret forever,” Mingyu replied.“I have MS.I had to skip the fan meet this afternoon for a doctor’s appointment because of the side effects from my medication.”

Mingyu could hear the loud sigh as the older man processed what he’d just said.“Wow…”

“I have bruises all over from the shots… and its only going to get worse, because now I have to do shots every day instead of three times a week…”Mingyu took a deep breath.“I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that.I just… I know that I have to get used to the idea of talking about it, because I’m going to have to tell Carats at some point.I wanted to hide it for as long as possible… but now I’m not so sure if that’s the best way to handle things.It’s scary, but maybe it would be less stressful for everyone if Carats knew…”

“Have you talked to the company about it yet?” Dongho asked.

Mingyu shook his head.“They know my diagnosis and the treatment plan, because they need to know that so that they can make adjustments to schedules for me.But I haven’t really brought up the idea of going public so early on… I have a feeling that they’ll try to talk me out of it if I bring it up,” Mingyu replied. “I’m tempted to just say it on V Live and deal with the fallout later…”

“Maybe it would be a good idea to give the company a chance to do the right thing first,” Dongho commented.“Pledis is good to us, especially compared to what some other groups go through.If you have a good reason for wanting to come forward, I’m sure that they would listen to you.”

Mingyu nodded, taking another sip out of his mug.“I want to come forward to stop Carats from worrying… but what if they just worry more when they know the truth?It’s not like this is something simple that they can cure - they can slow it down, but eventually I’m going to end up disabled.Permanently.And that’s common knowledge…”

Mingyu felt the older man putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into a hug.“I can’t tell you what to do, Gyu- _ah_.I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through right now, or what you’re going to go through in the future.But I can tell you that Carats love you, and they’re going to support you through whatever decisions you make about all of this.You have to do what’s best for your health… but people will understand.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, leaning into the hug and letting his head rest against Dongho’s shoulder, at least as much as he could given the height difference.Dongho chuckled slightly.“This is awkward…”

Mingyu couldn’t help laughing along with him.“This is why being tall sucks…” Mingyu replied, straightening up again.“I should probably go back downstairs, before Seungcheol- _hyung_ sends someone up after me.It’s getting late, and I need to sleep.Tomorrow’s going to be a long day…”

“You can use the flu excuse again…” Dongho began.

“I don’t want to disappoint Carats,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.Mingyu started to walk back towards the door that would lead into the building’s stairwell, until he realized that he was going to have some trouble going down the unfamiliar stairs on his own.He stopped, turning back only to realize that Dongho was cleaning up to follow him.“ _Hyung_ … can I ask you for a strange favor?” he asked, blushing slightly. 

Dongho stopped what he was doing, looking up with concern.“What is it?”

“I have a hard time going down stairs on my own… my right eye isn’t really working right now, and my depth perception is shot…” Mingyu began.

“Of course I’ll help you,” Dongho interrupted, hurrying to join Mingyu going down the stairs.

“Gyu- _ah_ … shouldn’t you be in bed?I thought you were sick…”Mingyu didn’t look up from the stairs until they reached the landing a floor above NU’EST’s dorm, although he recognized Jonghyun’s voice immediately.The NU’EST leader was also a rapper, and they had done some training together over the years.Jonghyun hurried to Mingyu’s other side, putting an arm around his waist as though he was afraid that Mingyu might collapse on them.“Why were you on the roof?”

“It’s a long story, _hyung_ ,” Dongho began.

“It’s fine, _hyung_ …” Mingyu began, shaking his head.“I think I’d rather my friends find out from me than a press release, anyway.Or at least from each other… I really don’t mind if you tell Minhyun- _hyung_ or Aron- _hyung_.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Jonghyun spoke up again.“I think this might be a conversation that would be better had in private…” the older man commented.“Do you want to come to our dorm for a little while?It’s probably quieter, and it’s definitely closer than yours.”

Mingyu nodded.“Yeah… that sounds like it would probably be a good idea.But it’s going to be easier if only one of you helps me down the stairs…”

“I’ve got him, _hyung_ ,” Dongho commented, encouraging Jonghyun to to let go of Mingyu.“Maybe you should text Seungcheol- _ah_ and let him know that Gyu- _ah_ is with us… they’ll freak out if he sends someone up to the roof to look for him and Gyu- _ah_ isn’t still up there.”

NU’EST’s dorm was a bit different than either of Seventeen’s, although it made sense considering how much smaller the older group was.The fact that three of the five had rooms to themselves was one of the perks that Mingyu wished his group could have; although he loved sharing with Jihoon, there were definitely times when he would have preferred to have a room of his own instead.

Dongho had let go of Mingyu as soon as they were inside the dorm, although Mingyu stuck close to the older man because he wasn’t familiar with the layout of their apartment.It was a mirror-image of the two apartments Seventeen occupied, and Mingyu wasn’t sure that he would be able to keep himself from running into any of the walls or doors because it was the reverse of what he was used to.The furniture was also completely different, although Mingyu was less concerned about running into furniture given the fact that Dongho and Minki were both fully aware of his vision issues.

“Gyu- _ah_?I thought you had the flu…”Mingyu smiled at Minhyun as the older man looked up from where he had been reading on the group’s couch.

“That was a lie,” Mingyu replied, taking the seat Minhyun made for him on the couch.

“Let me get Aron- _hyung_ , too,” Dongho began, hurrying out of the living room. 

They were joined almost immediately by Minki, who sat down right next to Mingyu and pulled him into a hug.“You aren’t actually sick?” the elder man asked.Mingyu shook his head.“Is it what we talked about…?”

“You could have told the rest of your members, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied.

“It’s not my secret to tell, Gyu- _ah_.I wasn’t sure if you wanted it to go beyond your group,” Minki replied.

A tired-looking Aron came into the room before Mingyu could respond, joining Jonghyun in sitting on the coffee table as Dongho leaned against the wall nearby.“Okay, I’m awake… and as much as I love seeing you, Gyu- _ah_ , I would much rather be in my bed right now.No offense.”

“None taken, _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I didn’t know you were asleep…”

“It’ll be easier if you don’t have to say it three more times just for us,” Minki replied.

“Wait… Minki- _yah_ knows already, too?” Jonghyun asked.“How do you know what’s going on before the rest of us?”

“I found Gyu- _ah_ on the roof last week… except it was morning, not the middle of the night,” Minki replied.

“Minki- _hyung_ was the first person outside of my group and our managers to know… I haven’t even told my family yet, actually…” Mingyu replied.“I don’t want my parents or my sister to feel like they have to come take care of me… but I want to tell them in person, not over the phone or on a video chat.”

“You make it sound like you’re dying or something,” Aron commented.

Mingyu felt Minki squeeze him gently.“It’s not really that far off from the reality… it won’t kill me, but it’s going to change everything…” Mingyu began.“I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a few weeks ago.My right eye is basically useless right now… it’s a complication called optic neuritis, and right now it’s left me blind on that side.I might get most of my vision back, but it’ll probably never be back to what it was.My right hand is weak, too… it was completely numb when I was diagnosed, and even with the steroids they gave me it hasn’t come back completely.”

Mingyu glanced up at the older men as he finished, watching to try and figure out what the three that hadn’t already known about his diagnosis were thinking.“Fuck…”Mingyu hadn’t expected the English expletive from Aron, but the older man was quick to lean over and take one of Mingyu’s hands.“What are they saying?How long do they think you’ll be able to keep performing?”

Mingyu shook his head.“We don’t really know… we’re hoping that I’ll be able to hold out at least until my contract ends, but right now it’s still really up in the air.I had a bad reaction to the first medication they tried to put me on, so I’m starting a new one tonight,” Mingyu replied. 

“But the medication should help you, right?I mean, the point of the medication is to stop the disease…” Jonghyun began.

“Nothing can stop it… the medication can slow things down, but nothing is going to stop this from happening…” Mingyu replied. 

“Christ…”

“ _Yah_ … I know you’re speaking English, but watch the language,” Jonghyun chided, in response to Aron’s reaction to Mingyu’s explanation. 

“I’m pretty sure that if there’s ever an excuse to curse, this would be it,” Aron replied.“Gyu- _ah_ is a hell of a lot calmer than I would be if I was in his situation.”

“He’s also had a lot longer to process all of this than you have,” Minki replied.

“How _are_ you holding up?” Minhyun asked, putting a hand on Mingyu’s knee and squeezing it gently.“I mean, you seem calm, but we don’t know what’s going on in your head…”

“I’m okay,” Mingyu replied, nodding slowly.“The managers helped me arrange to see a therapist, so I’m getting help working through it.I have moments when I’m not okay, but I’m working on it…”

“Just know that you can come to us if you need anything,” Jonghyun commented, squeezing Mingyu’s hand.“We’re your friends, and your _hyungs_.We’ll be here if you need us.”

Mingyu couldn’t help smiling at the older man’s words.“Thank you, _hyungs_.”


	12. Exhaustion

Mingyu was exhausted; after four straight weeks of promotional activities, with doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions taking up most of his down time, Mingyu really didn’t have much energy left.Still, the fact that they were on their last day of promotions was keeping him going even though Mingyu knew that he should probably ask to be pulled.It was the logical thing to do, but Mingyu couldn’t bring himself to potentially disappoint any of their fans by pulling himself at the last minute.He wasn’t even sure if he _could_ pull himself at that point, when they were literally on-deck to perform next.It was their last live performance of the promotion period; there was another performance that was going to be aired later that night that they had recorded earlier in the week, but they were nearly done with schedules.Mingyu just had to get through a little bit more, and then he would be able to rest.

“Gyu- _ah_?” Mingyu looked up at Seungcheol’s voice, surprised when he realized that he’d missed everyone else starting to go out for their introduction before their final stage.It was obvious that the leader was worried about him, as Seungcheol stepped back and put a hand on Mingyu’s shoulder before he could actually walk out.“You okay?”

Mingyu nodded.“Yeah, _hyung_.Let’s do this.”

It was obvious that Seungcheol wasn’t convinced by Mingyu’s attempt to reassure him that he was okay, but the older man didn’t have a chance to question Mingyu further as they had to go out on stage with the rest of the group.They were only a few steps behind Junhui, who had been the last person in the line before Mingyu, but it was probably obvious that they had been held back for a moment given the fact that most of the others were watching them with concern evident on their faces as Seungcheol and Mingyu joined the end of the line.It was more than a little upsetting, because Mingyu was fairly sure that Carats could see that something was wrong.But there wasn’t time to think about it or do anything, because they had a live performance to get through and Mingyu needed to focus because he was starting to run out of energy.

Mingyu wasn’t completely sure what he was doing as he danced; it was as if his brain and his body weren’t really connected to one another any more, although Mingyu could tell that he was at least somewhat succeeding at keeping up with the others.At the very least, Mingyu wasn’t running into anyone as he danced even though his vision was getting fuzzy.Everything started to sound distant, almost as if Mingyu wasn’t really _there_ any more.Mingyu was aware that they were in their final positions and the song was over, but a moment later he felt himself starting to fall as everything went black.

“Is he going to be okay?”Mingyu could hear the sound of Minghao’s worried voice talking nearby as someone placed a cool cloth against his forehead.

“He was exhausted… that’s probably what caused him to pass out,” Seungcheol’s voice replied.“We’ll send him off to the hospital to get checked out, but he’ll be fine.”

“ _Hyung_ …?” Mingyu asked, forcing his eyes open.Mingyu tried to sit up, but he could feel Seungcheol and someone else holding him down on the ground.It didn’t really matter all that much; Mingyu didn’t really have enough energy to actually lift himself up from the floor.

“Don’t try to move, Gyu- _ah_ … you need to rest,” Seungcheol replied, stroking a hand through Mingyu’s hair.Even in the darkness of the backstage area, Mingyu could see that the older man was worried.

“What happened?” Mingyu asked, confused.He remembered performing, but he couldn’t remember finishing the song or how he’d ended up on the floor.All he was really aware of was how exhausted he was, and how heavy his body felt.“Did Carats see…?”

“You passed out right after we finished the song,” Jeonghan’s voice replied softly.Mingyu turned his head slightly so that he could see the other man, who squeezed Mingyu’s hand as he spoke.“Carats saw.We got you offstage as fast as we could, but they’d already turned the lights back on…”

Mingyu closed his eyes, sighing.“I didn’t want…”

“Shh… we know you didn’t intend for it to happen,” Jeonghan reassured.“Just rest… the ambulance is going to be here soon, and once they’ve checked you out at the hospital you’ll be able to just rest for a few days.”

Mingyu could feel the tears stinging at his eyes, wishing that he could go back and stop himself from pushing so hard to go onstage and perform when he knew that he was too tired.“Hey, hey… it’s okay, Gyu- _ah_ ,” Seungcheol commented softly, stroking a hand through Mingyu’s hair.“Just relax, okay?It’s all going to be okay.”

“ _Hyung_ , the paramedics are here…” Seokmin’s voice commented.

“Right… everyone else head back to the dressing room,” Seungcheol replied.Mingyu could hear a lot of movement around him, although neither Seungcheol nor Jeonghan moved out of his line of sight.“Hannie…”

“Just let me stay until they have him ready to move…” Jeonghan replied softly.“They’re going to need you to answer questions, and he shouldn’t be left alone with strangers…”

Seungcheol sighed, nodding.“Okay.But just until they leave for the hospital,” the leader responded.

Mingyu couldn’t completely keep track of what was happening around him as the paramedics began working to determine what had happened and make sure that Mingyu was stable enough to be transported to the hospital.Mingyu knew that he was being asked questions, although he wasn’t sure where the answers were coming from because his brain had once again reached the point that he wasn’t really able to process what was going on.

Mingyu didn’t realize that he’d fallen asleep again, completely unaware of what was going on around him as he was loaded into an ambulance and driven through the city to the nearest hospital.It was a dreamless sleep, and Mingyu wasn’t really even aware that anything had changed until he managed to open his eyes and found himself looking up at a tiled ceiling that was definitely _not_ part of the television studio.

“Are you awake now?” a familiar voice asked.Mingyu turned towards the voice, surprised when he saw a manager sitting on a chair next to his bed.“Why didn’t you tell us that you weretoo tired to perform today, Gyu- _ah_?”

“ _Mianhe_ , _hyung_ ,” Mingyu replied, turning away from the man.“I’m sorry for causing so much trouble…”

The manager sighed.“It’s not entirely your fault.I knew that you were exhausted, and I didn’t say anything.I should have pulled you before things got this far… it’s my job, and I failed you.I shouldn’t have _let_ this happen.”Mingyu closed his eyes.“The company is going to release a statement saying that you weren’t feeling well and pushed yourself too hard this last week, because you didn’t want to disappoint Carats.There won’t be any specifics given.Once you’re released, I’ll drive you back to the dorms to rest for a couple of days.Then we’ll have to meet and talk about what comes next…”

There was a moment of silence, before Mingyu spoke up.“I think I should go home for a while… take a break.Tell my family what’s going on.”

The manager sighed again.“We’ll talk about it when we sit down with the company, Gyu- _ah_.For the moment, you need to worry about getting some rest and taking care of yourself.”

“I think that taking a break might be the best way for me to take care of myself,” Mingyu replied.“I’m not quitting, I just… I should sit out of ISAC, at least.You said yourself, I need to rest.And I’m not sure that there’s any way for me to participate without it becoming obvious that something is wrong…”

“Gyu- _ah_ … if that’s what you still want to do in a few days, once you’ve gotten some sleep and you’re able to think clearly, then that’s what we’ll do,” the manager replied.“But right now, you need to just focus on your immediate needs.”

Mingyu nodded slowly, closing his eyes.As much as he didn’t want to admit that the manager was right, Mingyu knew that he was.He needed to rest before he tried to do anything else; even though Mingyu’s family lived in a suburb of Seoul, it was still going to be stressful and physically taxing for him to go home at that moment.


	13. Going Home

“ _Oppa_!”Mingyu smiled as his sister jumped into his arms as soon as he opened the door, nearly knocking him back down the steps .“How are you feeling?Have you been sleeping enough?”

“I’m fine, Minseo- _yah_ ,” Mingyu replied, smiling as the girl stepped back to let him into the apartment he’d grown up in.“How’s school?”Mingyu slipped off his shoes as he stepped into the apartment, dragging his suitcase into the entryway behind him. 

“ _Yah_ … we can talk about school later,” his sister replied, taking his suitcase from him.“What happened the other day?You looked awful, and you passed out at the end of a performance…”

Mingyu took a deep breath, sighing.“I’ll explain to everyone at once, okay?Are _Appa_ and _Eomma_ home?”

“ _Eomma_ is finishing up changing the sheets in your room, and _Appa_ should be home from work soon,” Minseo replied.“How long do you get to stay this time?Normally you just bring a backpack…”

“A few weeks…” Mingyu began.He could see the confusion on his sister’s face, which prompted Mingyu to add more details.“It hasn’t been officially released yet, but I’m on hiatus at least until after the ISACs.It’s… kind of a long story…”

Minseo’s face instantly changed to a look of concern.“ _Oppa_ … you’re going to be okay, right?”

Mingyu sighed, shaking his head.“I don’t know… it’s all really complicated.But right now I really need to go unpack my stuff,” Mingyu replied.“Could you put my suitcase in my room?I need to put something in the fridge…”

Minseo nodded quickly, hurrying off towards Mingyu’s childhood bedroom as he went into the kitchen with the small cooler that he’d borrowed from the dorm to keep his medication cold during the trip home.Although he’d been given a ride by one of the group’s managers rather than having to take public transportation like he usually would have, Mingyu hadn’t known exactly how long it would take and had decided that it would be best if he packed it up properly.Mingyu had barely gotten the fridge door shut before he heard his mother’s voice.

“ _Yah_ … you couldn’t even come greet your poor _Eomma_ before you had to raid the refrigerator?” 

The question was asked in a teasing manner that made Mingyu smile as he straightened up and turned around to see the smaller woman.“ _Eomma_ …”Mingyu bowed quickly, before the woman moved to give him a tight hug that Mingyu gladly reciprocated.

“I’ve missed you, baby… you’ve worried us so much the past few weeks…” the woman began, holding him out at arm’s length for a moment.“You look thin.I know you don’t sleep much when you’re promoting, but have you been eating enough?”

Mingyu sighed, his smile falling slightly.“It’s hard sometimes, _Eomma_ ,” Mingyu replied.“You shouldn’t worry too much… the members and managers take good care of me.What happened the other day was my fault, because I pushed myself too far when I knew I wasn’t feeling up to performing.”

Mingyu’s mother shook her head.“You’re my only son - it’s my job to worry about you,” the woman replied.“You still look tired… you should go lay down in your room until time for dinner and get some more rest.You’ll have to go back soon, and you have to be healthy before you go back to work.”Mingyu nodded at the woman’s words, mostly because he wasn’t quite ready to tell her anything that might make her ask more questions.“Do you want some tea, or a snack?”

“I’m okay, _Eomma_.But I will go lay down for a little while.”Mingyu gave his mother another quick hug, before turning to do what she’d asked without thinking about the fact that he’d left his medication out in the open in the refrigerator.

“Gyu- _ah_ …”Mingyu turned around at the sound of his mother’s voice, feeling his heart drop as he saw one of the wrapped syringes of his medication in his mother’s hand and the look of concern on her face.“What is this?”

Mingyu took a deep breath, sighing.“It’s my medication,” he replied.“It has to be kept cold, until I’m going to use it…”

“What is it?” the woman asked softly, clearly distressed by the fact that she didn’t even know what was going on.

“Multiple sclerosis…” Mingyu replied, barely above a whisper.He winced at the soft sob that left his mother’s lips.“I was diagnosed a few weeks before we started promotions… I didn’t want to tell you over the phone…”

Mingyu closed his eyes as his mother rushed forward to close the space between them, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.“ _Yah_ … I’m still trying to process the fact that you’re sick…” Mingyu closed his eyes, returning the hug before his mother pulled back to look at him.“Let’s go sit down and you can tell me what’s going on…”

Minseo was in the living room when Mingyu and his mother entered, sitting on the floor to work on her homework at the table.“ _Eomma_ … what’s wrong?” the girl asked, once she realized that their mother had tears in her eyes.“ _Oppa_ , what did you do?”

“ _Yah_ … just sit down so that we can talk, Minseo- _yah_ ,” their mother replied, shaking her head as she moved to sit down with Mingyu close behind.“Tell me everything, Gyu- _ah_.”

Mingyu took a deep breath, leaning back against the couch and looking down at his lap.“I was having issues with my right eye… it was really hurting, and I couldn’t see well.I thought it was just a couple of bad contact lenses, so I didn’t really think much of it.But then I couldn’t even see with my glasses.When the _hyungs_ found out, they forced me to go to the hospital because they thought I’d scratched my cornea… the doctor said it was something called optic neuritis.Right now, I’m still blind in my right eye and I might not ever fully get my vision back…”

“ _Aigoo_ … my poor baby…” his mother cooed, squeezing his hand.Mingyu saw Minseo move to sit on the other side of their mother, obviously concerned.

“You were still performing, even through all of that?” Minseo asked.Mingyu nodded.

“Once they figured out what was going on with my eye, they called in a neurologist and some other doctors to run more tests to try and figure out why my optic nerve was inflamed.When they were starting an IV for one of the tests, I realized that my right arm was mostly numb.I hadn’t even noticed…”Mingyu shook his head, sighing.“There were several active lesions on my brain, as well as some that they could tell were older.They put me on steroids for a few days to help clear up the active lesions, and I’ve been on medication to slow down the progress of the disease ever since… that’s what’s in the syringes in the fridge.”

“Wait…” Minseo began.“What does all of that mean?What’s wrong, _Oppa_?”

“Gyu- _ah_ has multiple sclerosis,” their mother replied, squeezing Mingyu’s hand. 

“But… how are you going to work?” Minseo asked.

“We’re working on figuring that out,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“Right now, I’m just taking a few weeks off to get some rest and focus on taking care of my health.It’s mostly to have an excuse to keep me out of the ISACs without having to publicly admit that I’m _really_ ill.I don’t think I could participate without it being obvious that something is wrong…”

“But you’re going to go back to Seventeen in a few weeks,” his mother replied.It wasn’t a question, and Mingyu wasn’t sure that she liked the idea.

“That’s the plan.I can still perform, and I’m going to keep performing for as long as possible,” Mingyu replied.“I have a contract, _Eomma_.I don’t want to ask to get out of it if I’m still capable of performing.I don’t want to give up on being an Idol.”


	14. Emerging Issues

“You really have to do that every day?” Minseo asked, as Mingyu held the needle in the skin of his thigh for a moment to make sure that all of the medication made its way into his system.As much as he hated the needles, he knew that it was necessary.Minseo had asked if she could watch him take his medication, and Mingyu had obliged.

“It’s better than the first medication I was on,” Mingyu replied.“That one was every other day, but I was really sick for a day or so after each dose, which meant that I was miserable most of the time.Part of the reason we used the flu as an excuse was because I had flu-like symptoms almost every other day for over a month…”

“And this is for the rest of your life?” 

Mingyu nodded at his sister’s question.“At least until it’s no longer working… eventually things will get to the point that it’s not worth it, but for now the goal is to keep things under control so that I can keep working…” Mingyu replied.

Minseo was obviously concerned, although she seemed to be trying to hide it.Mingyu was quick to put the needle down, before he put an arm around his sister’s shoulders and pulled her into a hug.“It’s not the end of the world, you know… we caught it early, and I’m staying on top of things.I’m going to be fine…”

“You’re going to be disabled… I looked it up, _Oppa_.”

Mingyu sighed, shaking his head.“It is what it is.I still have time before things get to that point, and I’m going to live my life as best I can until I get to that point,” Mingyu replied.“Just… don’t think about it right now, okay?There will be plenty of time to worry about all of that later, when I’m dealing with it.But for right now I just want to focus on what I _can_ do.”

“Gyu- _ah_ … there’s someone here to see you…”Mingyu looked up at the sound of his father’s voice from the door of his bedroom.Mingyu nodded, putting the needle he’d used into the sharps container that had been delivered with his medication and pulling down the leg of his shorts.“Minseo- _yah_ , why don’t you go to your room and work on your homework?”

“What’s going on?” Mingyu asked softly, once Minseo was out of the room.

“It’s two detectives, Gyu- _ah_ …” his father replied.“They didn’t say what it was about, but they’re asking to speak to you…”Mingyu nodded, following his father into the living room where the two men were seated, with glasses of water courtesy of Mingyu’s mother.

“Kim Mingyu- _ssi_?”One of the detectives stood up as he spoke, followed closely by the second as they both bowed when Mingyu nodded.“I’m Detective Park Sungyoon, and this is my partner, Detective Kwon Jinyoung.Please, sit down…”

“Is something wrong?” Mingyu asked, moving to sit in a chair across from the sofa where the two detectives had been seated.

Detective Kwon nodded.“We’ve been sent to investigate a tip that you might be involved with illegal drugs…”

“An anonymous source reported seeing what they thought were track marks on your arms,” Detective Park added.“We were told by your managers that you had come home, and that we would be able to find you here.”

Mingyu felt sick.“You think I’m a drug addict?” he asked softly.

“That’s preposterous…” Mingyu’s father began.

“We have to investigate all tips that we receive on the subject, no matter how preposterous they might seem,” Detective Kwon replied, obviously annoyed with Mingyu’s father’s response.“We’ve come here to question him, rather than forcing him to the police station, in an attempt to minimize the negative publicity associated with such an investigation until such time as charges need to be filed…”

“ _If_ that becomes necessary,” Detective Park added.“Kim Mingyu- _ssi_ , would it be possible for us to see your arms?”

Mingyu took a deep breath.“There are marks from needles, but it’s not from any illegal drugs,” Mingyu replied, even as he lifted the sleeves of his tee shirt so that the bruises from his injections were visible.“I’m on daily injections of a prescription medication… I have the entire box, with the pharmacy label, in the fridge and I’ll be happy to show it to you.If you’d been here ten minutes earlier, you could have actually seen me give myself an injection.”

“What’s the name of the medication?” Detective Kwon asked.

“Glatiramer acetate… it’s a disease-modifying drug for multiple sclerosis,” Mingyu replied.“I’ve been on this one for about a month.Before that I was on interferon beta-1b injections three times a week.My managers can confirm that information, as can any of my members. Lee Jihoon, especially.He’s my roommate in the dorms, and he’s helped me with the injections most of the time.”

“And that’s the only thing you’re taking?Not even any other medications?” Detective Kwon asked.

“At the moment,” Mingyu replied.“I had three days of IV corticosteroids when I was first diagnosed, and I’ve been taking ibuprofen on and off for some of the medication’s side effects.Right now, I’m able to function without any other medications.”

“Would you be willing to submit to a drug test to confirm that?” Detective Park asked.

“Is that really necessary?” Mingyu’s father asked.

“It’s a standard question when dealing with allegations of drug use.It can also be helpful in determining who is telling us the truth, and who is trying to hide something,” Detective Kwon replied.

“If that’s what’s necessary, then that’s what I’ll do,” Mingyu replied, before the conversation could go any further.“I just don’t want any of this to get out.Not the accusation, and definitely not the truth… I’m not ready to go public with any of this yet.As long as you can promise me that you won’t release that information to the public, I’ll cooperate with your investigation.”

“Can we see the prescription?” Detective Kwon asked. 

Mingyu nodded, leaving to go into the kitchen where his mother was washing the dishes to grab the box out of the fridge.“Gyu- _ah_ … what’s going on?” his mother asked, turning to face him.

“It’s nothing, _Eomma_ ,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head as he opened the fridge and pulled out the box of his medication.“It’s just a misunderstanding… I’m going to clear it all up.”

“It’s the police, Gyu- _ah_ …” his mother began, obviously worried.

“There are rumors about the bruising on my arms, that’s all… it’s all going to get cleared up and everything will be fine,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I’ve got it all under control.Don’t worry, _Eomma_.”

Mingyu took the box back out to the living room, passing it over to Detective Kwon.“That’s the medication I’m currently taking.I returned the box of the previous one to the pharmacy to be destroyed, but I have multiple people that can confirm what I told you,” Mingyu replied, moving back to his previous seat.

“And this is the only medication you’re currently taking, correct?” Detective Kwon asked.

“Right,” Mingyu replied.Mingyu watched as Detective Park scribbled down a few notes, including the information on the prescription label from the box.“Is there anything else you need from me?I don’t have anything to hide…”

“I think we have enough information for the moment,” Detective Park commented.“We’ll be in touch if we have any further questions.”Mingyu nodded, taking back the box of medication from Detective Kwon.

“Go put your medication away, Gyu- _ah_.I’ll show the detectives out…”

Mingyu took the medication back into the kitchen, storing it in the fridge again before his mother moved to put a hand on his shoulder.“Gyu- _ah_ …”

Mingyu could feel the tears in his eyes, unable to stop them from slipping down his face.“It’s all just a mess, _Eomma_ …”

There was a moment of silence, before the woman turned him around and pulled him into a hug.“It’s okay, baby… everything is going to be okay.”


	15. Meetings

“Your hands are shaking, Gyu- _ah_.”Mingyu looked up at the manager that had picked him up from his family home in order to drive him back to the company building for a meeting with all of the managers and several of the company’s higher-ups about what would happen next.Mingyu had received a phone call the previous evening, a few hours after the police officers had left the apartment, telling him that they needed to have a conversation about what was going to happen next.

“Am I going to be in trouble, _hyung_?Even though I did nothing wrong?” Mingyu asked.

“No one is in trouble, Gyu- _ah_ ,” the manager replied, shaking his head as he pulled into the parking lot of the company’s headquarters.“This is to discuss what we need to do next… how we can minimize the potential damage if word gets out about the police investigation.You’re here because we need to know what you’re willing to put out there publicly so that we can come up with the best possible plan of action.”

Mingyu nodded slowly.“Do you have Lee Jieun’s number, _hyung_?I don’t think I can wait for my next appointment to talk to her again…”

“I’ll handle setting up another appointment for you after the meeting,” the manager replied.“Let’s go ahead upstairs, okay?The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you can go back to your break and spending time with your family.”

People seemed surprised to see Mingyu in the building; everyone was well aware that he was on hiatus, although Mingyu knew that the company had limited the number of employees that were aware of his condition.But no one said a word to him as the manager led him through the building and into a small conference room that Mingyu hadn’t been in before.It was already mostly full, with the rest of Seventeen’s management team as well as several other people that Mingyu recognized as being part of upper management, including the CEO.Mingyu bowed quickly to all of them.

“Please, take a seat, Mingyu- _ssi_ ,” the CEO commented, motioning towards the two empty chairs.Mingyu took one, while the manager that had picked him up that morning sat down in the other.“I’m sorry for dragging you out here for this, but as the conversation at hand deals with your medical condition and what we can disclose it’s important that we have your input and consent.

Mingyu nodded.“I appreciate being included in the discussion,” he replied, bowing to the man from his seat at the table.

“Right… obviously, we are all aware of the current police investigation,” the CEO began.“We all know that the allegations are false, but if the investigation is brought to the attention of the press there is no guarantee that the truth will be what people believe.We need to decide how we want to handle this situation, before the press gets any indication that there’s something going on.”

“I want to go public with my diagnosis.”Mingyu didn’t look up from the table as he spoke, unsure of how he would be able to deal with everyone else’s reaction to his words.“If that’s what it takes to stop this from turning into a scandal that will hurt my members, too, then that’s what I want to do…”

There was a long moment of silence, before one of the managers spoke up.“Gyu- _ah_ … that really isn’t necessary,” the man commented, putting a hand on Mingyu’s shoulder.“We can find other explanations…”

“But if we lie and it eventually comes out, won’t that look just as bad as the scandal of a drug investigation?” Mingyu asked, looking up at the older man.“If we tell the truth, we have some control of what comes out, right?”

“We can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to control what happens once any statement is made,” one of the upper management members said, crossing his arms.“The truth is definitely the best option in this case, but what happens once we go public with that information… it isn’t going to be easy.There are downsides to all of the options that we have at the moment.It’s more of a matter of what’s going to be the least detrimental to you, to Seventeen, and to the company.”

“You’re correct that telling the truth is the best way to avoid a scandal,” another man commented.“The problem, however, is that admitting the truth will put a great deal of your personal business on display for anyone to see and potentially judge…”

“He has multiple sclerosis… it isn’t like he’s contracted an STD or something like that,” another one of the Seventeen managers replied.

“It’s still a potentially career-ending diagnosis,” another man spoke up.“It’s also likely going to result in an automatic Grade Six designation when it’s time for his military physical.At the very least, he’ll be a Grade Five.It’s difficult to know how the public would perceive his continued work with Seventeen if he were to be classified as unfit for military service…”

“ _If_ I’m even still able to work at that point…” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“You said yourself that this is potentially career-ending.I’m well aware of the possibilities here.Probably moreso than anyone else in this room, because I’m the one having to feel what this is doing to my body.I haven’t been able to see properly for months.I’m constantly having to worry about what I’m going to lose next, and whether or not I’ll be able to get it back.I still don’t have all of the strength back in my right arm, and at this point it may _not_ come back.If we tell the truth, I’m the only one that has to deal with all of the consequences.”

The room was silent again, before the company’s CEO took a deep breath and sighed.“We don’t want you to feel forced, Mingyu- _ssi_ ,” the man replied.“If this isn’t what you really want to do, you’re allowed to tell us that.If you want to hide it, then we’ll figure out a way to keep everything as quiet as possible and avoid a scandal…”

Mingyu shook his head, letting his eyes close.“Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this ever since I was diagnosed,” Mingyu replied.“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve debated going on Instagram or VLive and just letting it slip out… but I didn’t do it, because I didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone else.Maybe this is all happening because I’m _supposed_ to be honest about everything.”

“Right… if that’s what you really want to do, then we need to discuss how we are going to address the issue,” the CEO began.“You said that you had debated telling people yourself… I would normally be opposed to something like that, but due to the personal nature of the situation it may be better if the fans hear it from you first…”

“Obviously we need time to craft a press release to confirm what you’re going to say, if you choose to go that route,” the first upper-management man commented.“There will be questions immediately, and it’s better if we are prepared to respond as soon as the video has ended.”

“It would also be best if the video was recorded here, at the company building.For the sake of ensuring your family’s privacy, as well as the privacy of the group’s dorm…” another upper-management member added.“The last thing we want is for your privacy during your hiatus to be invaded… the point of this break is for you to rest, and so that we can come up with a plan that will allow you to promote without being pushed to the breaking point again.”

Mingyu nodded.“I’m okay with that,” Mingyu replied.“I need time to figure out what I want to say, anyway.It’s… it’s a lot.And there are some people I need to tell about all of this, before I go public.Only a few of my friends know…”

“We’ll schedule a time and space for you to broadcast later this week.I’ll have one of your managers text you the details, and come pick you up when it’s time,” the CEO replied.

“Can I read the press release before we film?” Mingyu asked.

“We’ll make sure that you have the chance to read everything that morning, before you go live.”


	16. Fear

“Can you tell me what’s going on in your head right now, Mingyu- _ssi_?” Jieun asked, as Mingyu played with his ring while staring at the floor.Even though he’d wanted the extra session with the therapist, now that she was actually in the room with him he was struggling with how to put what he was dealing with into words.

“I’m scared…” Mingyu replied, not looking up.“I feel like things are even more out of control now than they ever have been, and there’s nothing I can do about any of it…”

“What’s going on?” the therapist asked, shifting a bit so that she was a little closer to him, almost as if Jieun was worried that he was going to do something drastic.

“Someone called the police, and told them that they thought I was using illegal drugs, because of the bruises from my medication,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“There’s a whole investigation going on, and everything… they’ve kept it out of the press, and there’s nothing for them to find anyway, but it’s all turned into a huge mess…”

Mingyu trailed off, unsure of how to finish his thought.Jieun seemed to catch on quickly that he wasn’t going to continue.“If there’s nothing to find, then why are you so afraid of all of this?” she asked softly.

“Because if any of it comes out, it could ruin me… it could ruin Seventeen…” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“We have to get ahead of the story about the investigation… they can’t keep it from the press forever.I’m going to go on VLive tonight and tell Carats the truth.We’re hoping that it will be enough to stop anyone from spreading any of the lies that started the police investigation…”

“Do you _want_ to go public with your diagnosis?” Jieun asked.

Mingyu didn’t answer immediately, unsure of exactly how he felt in that moment.“I thought I did.But the closer it gets to time for all of that, the less I’m convinced that it will really be a good thing…” Mingyu admitted.“The company is backing me up on the decision to go public.When I brought it up with them, they agreed that it would be the best way to avoid a scandal…”

“Does that make you feel obligated to publicly admit your diagnosis?” Jieun asked.

“I don’t know…” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I was the one who brought it up first.I’ve been so tempted to do it for so long, but I’m not sure if it was because I felt like I couldn’t, or if it was because I actually want to be open about all of this…”

Jieun smiled, nodding.“It’s normal to feel conflicted about decisions like this,” she replied.“You’re allowed to reconsider.You’re allowed to change your mind.”

Mingyu looked up at the woman, surprised when she didn’t continue.“You aren’t going to tell me what you think I should do?” he asked.

“If you directly ask me for my opinion, I’ll give it to you.But this is your decision to make, not mine,” Jieun replied.“You are the one that has to live with the consequences of your choice.And this is your personal life - your private medical information - that we’re talking about disclosing.No one has a right to that information without your permission, Mingyu- _ssi_.”

“Would you tell the truth, if you were in my shoes?” Mingyu asked.

“Honestly, I would,” Jieun replied, leaning back in her seat slightly.“It’s difficult to keep track of what people do or don’t know when you aren’t being honest.As difficult as it is going to be for you to be open and honest with the public about your diagnosis, in the long term it will be easier to not have to come up with more and more complex stories about what’s happened to explain away your symptoms.”Mingyu nodded, biting down on his bottom lip.“How long do you have until you are supposed to record, once our session is over?”

“A couple of hours,” Mingyu replied.“My manager is going to take me straight to the company building from here, and they’re setting everything up for me.”

“Okay… let’s just talk through all of this,” Jieun replied.“The most important thing is that I don’t want you to regret the decision you’ve made after that video goes live.Whatever you decide to do this afternoon, I want to make sure that you are comfortable with that decision.”

Mingyu nodded, leaning back in his chair and taking a deep breath to try and calm himself down.The last think that he wanted was to turn himself into an anxious mess, when he was going to have to go into the company building to record sooner rather than later.

“In your head, what’s the worst-case scenario if you tell the world the truth?” Jieun asked.

Mingyu took a deep breath, thinking about the question for a moment.“That it will end my career,” he replied.

“Why do you think that it would end your career if people knew that you were struggling?”

“Who wants to support an Idol that isn’t able to do his job properly?” Mingyu replied.“When things get bad, Seventeen will be better off without me…”

“But things aren’t that bad yet… you may need to rest more, or to skip some schedules to maintain your health or seek treatment for relapses.But you can still work,” Jieun replied.“Even if you aren’t able to dance in the future, you may still be able to rap and sing for quite some time after you have to stop dancing.And the medication that you’re on is intended to help prevent relapses… it could still be years before your health reaches the point that you aren’t able to work…”

Mingyu closed his eyes, trying to focus on what was going on in his own head as he tried to process what Jieun was saying.“But we don’t know when that’s going to happen…” Mingyu began softly, sighing.“I just… I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with my own body.I’m so tired of all of this, Jieun- _ssi_ … I’m tired of never knowing when the next shoe is going to drop…”

Jieun nodded slowly.“I understand.This is all a lot to take in, and it’s difficult to process for _anyone_ , let alone someone whose job is as physically demanding as yours,” the psychologist replied.“This isn’t easy.It’s _never_ going to be easy, Mingyu- _ssi_.But you’re going to get through this.We’re going to work through it.”

“I… I don’t know how I’m going to do this…” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I _can’t_ do this… I should just quit…”

“Do you want to quit because you no longer want to be an Idol, or do you want to quit because you’re afraid?” Jieun asked.

“Does it matter?This is what’s best for everyone…” Mingyu began.

“But is it really what’s best, if it’s going to keep you away from doing something that you love?” Jieun asked.Mingyu didn’t respond immediately, staring at the floor.“I know that this is scary, Mingyu- _ssi_.But you can’t let that fear take over… quitting because you’re afraid of what might happen isn’t the answer.You can choose whether you want to go public with your diagnosis or not.You can cancel the VLive broadcast and give yourself more time to make a decision on what you’d like to do.But you really shouldn’t let this anxiety make these decisions for you.”


	17. Let's Do This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry y'all... first for the fact that you've waited so long, and second for the fact that this is so short. Writer's block on my two in-progress stories here has been hitting me hard for a while. I've had plenty of inspiration for everything BUT the two stories I needed to write more on. Hopefully that's starting to change!

Mingyu was surprised when he walked into their old practice room to find Wonwoo and Hansol already in the room waiting for him.“What are you guys doing here?” he asked, confused.No one had mentioned anything to him about having anyone else in the Live that afternoon.

“We asked if we could come be here while you were live,” Hansol explained.“We didn’t want you to have to be alone… one of the managers mentioned that you’ve been struggling with everything…”

Mingyu could feel the tears starting to form at Hansol’s words, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the fact that his members wanted to be there for him in that moment.“More of the guys wanted to come, but we were the only ones that didn’t have something else scheduled right now,” Wonwoo explained.

“Thank you…” Mingyu began, shaking his head.“I don’t… I’m still not sure this is the right thing to do…”

“We’ve all got your back Gyu- _ah_ ,” Wonwoo replied, moving to put an arm around his shoulders.“As hard as it is, this is the right thing to do.Carats will understand why you have to cut back on promotions, and it will take some of the stress off of you to try and do everything with the rest of us.”

Mingyu nodded at Wonwoo’s words, knowing that the elder man was right.“I’m just afraid… I don’t want to disappoint anyone…”

“Carats love you, _hyung_ … and they’re still going to love you after you tell them what’s going on.That isn’t going to change,” Vernon commented, attempting to reassure him.“Everyone is going to have your back.Carats are going to be happy with whatever you’re able to do.”

“Are you ready, Gyu- _ah_?”Mingyu smiled at Nayoung, as the makeup artist walked over to him with a smile on her face.“They asked me to make sure that you looked okay… no one wants to make the fans worry any more than necessary, so they want me to just put a little makeup on you to make sure you don’t look tired or anything like that.”

Mingyu nodded, letting the woman guide him over to sit down where she had set up her kit.“How are you feeling today?” Nayoung asked, once she had Mingyu alone away from everyone else.

“I’m kind of tired.Nervous about all of this…” Mingyu replied, absently motioning towards the camera setup that the company had put together for him.“I keep going back and forth about whether or not I actually want to do this… I know that I _need_ to get this off my chest, but it’s just all so overwhelming…”

“You’re going to be fine,” Nayoung replied, smiling at him as she worked on his makeup.“Just relax, okay?”

Mingyu did his best to listen to the stylist’s advice and relax; he actually managed to let himself doze off for a few minutes as Nayoung worked, which helped somewhat with the fact that he was tired.Still, once Nayoung woke him up because she was finished with his makeup Mingyu couldn’t help the anxiety that was starting to creep in again.

“You ready for this?” Wonwoo asked, as a staff member showed Mingyu where he was supposed to sit for the camera.

“I don’t want to do this alone,” Mingyu admitted, shaking his head.“I don’t know that I can do this, _hyung_ …”

“You’ve got this,” Wonwoo replied, taking Mingyu’s hand and squeezing it gently.

“We could sit with you…” Vernon suggested.

Mingyu nodded quickly.“Please… I really don’t think I can do this all on my own…”

“Come on, let’s do this,” Wonwoo replied, before he and Vernon both grabbed a chair and pulled them up on either side of Mingyu.Vernon pulled out his phone to read comments during the broadcast, while Wonwoo put his arm around Mingyu’s shoulders.

“What’s going on?” a manager asked.

“We’re going to stay with Mingyu- _hyung_.On camera,” Hansol replied looking up at the man.“He need support right now…”

“We aren’t set up for all of you to be in the video…” one of the managers began.

“We’ll make it work,” Wonwoo commented, as he and Hansol both moved to grab chairs for themselves.


	18. Falling Apart

Mingyu smiled as he felt someone climbing into his bed, curling into the warmth of another person.“You okay, Guy- _ah_?” Wonwoo asked.The elder rapper had insisted on going back to Mingyu’s family home with him after the broadcast; Mingyu had been exhausted by all of the emotions that had come up over the course of the live broadcast, and he knew that his complete lack of obvious emotion afterwards had worried Wonwoo and Hansol.The managers had disliked the idea, but Wonwoo had been insistent and refused to take no for an answer.Given the fact that no one had been home when they had arrived, Mingyu had been thankful for his friend’s insistence.Even though he had been telling the truth every time he had reassured his therapist that he wasn’t thinking of suicide, Mingyu didn’t like the idea of being alone when he was so unsure of his own feelings about the situation.

“I feel better now, _hyung._ Thank you,” Mingyu commented, turning towards Wonwoo as the other man moved back to give him more space.“What are the comments looking like?”

“Carats are worried about you… there are a few people being assholes, but most of the comments are wishing you well or worrying about what this all means for your future,” Wonwoo replied.“Shua- _hyung_ said that it’s the same with the English-language sites, too… it doesn’t seem to have made it to the Chinese sites yet, but Hao and Jun- _hyung_ said they would let us know…”

Mingyu closed his eyes.“When are the managers coming to pick you up tonight?”

“They aren’t… your mom was worried about how you were doing, and she asked if I wanted to stay tonight.She thought having a friend here might make things easier on you,” Wonwoo explained.

“I don’t need a babysitter, if you need to go back to the dorms…” Mingyu began.

“I don’t _want_ to go back to the dorms,” Wonwoo replied, interrupting Mingyu before he could get any further.“I’d much rather stay here and hang out with you… I don’t think you realize how much we all miss you, Gyu…”

“Why would you miss me right now?The past few months, all I’ve done is make everyone else’s lives harder,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I’m screwing up the schedules, I’m making mistakes in performances… the number of times I’ve stepped on your toes lately…”

“So?That doesn’t make you any less of our friend, or our brother,” Wonwoo replied.“When I was sick, no one gave a shit that I was screwing things up…”

“That was different…” Mingyu interrupted.

“How?”

“Because you were going to get better… it was temporary…” Mingyu reasoned.“I’m fucked, Wonu… this is never going to go away, and it isn’t going to magically get better in a few months.I might have good days, or even good weeks, but at the end of the day I’m still going to be slowly losing everything…”

“You aren’t going to lose us.Or Carats.Or any of your friends,” Wonwoo replied.“Speaking of which, Hao said you should check the ’97 line chat when you get a chance… some of the guys are worried because they haven’t heard from you in a while.Especially since some of them are seeing the comments about your health…”

Mingyu sighed, turning away from the older man.“You aren’t allowed to shut down, Gyu… especially not now, when there are going to be people counting on you to live up to what you said on that Live.You promised Carats that you weren’t going to give up…”

“I’m not giving up… I just need a break,” Mingyu replied.

“You’ve already slept for hours…” Wonwoo began.“You should at least get up and eat something… your mother said dinner would be ready soon.”

Mingyu sat up, sighing.“Everyone is home?” he asked.

“Your dad’s on his way,” Wonwoo replied.“He should be home soon.”

“Did they say anything to you about the broadcast?” Mingyu asked.“I didn’t tell them… I was afraid they would try to talk me out of it…”

“Your mother asked if I’d known beforehand…” Wonwoo admitted.“She seemed more worried than anything else.I don’t think she even thought that you would be willing to go public with it this soon, when there wasn’t any reason it _had_ to happen…”

“I was afraid that the drug allegations were going to come out, and that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain myself if that happened,” Mingyu replied, shaking his head.“I didn’t want there to be anything that might be used against the rest of you, too… because I know that if anyone leaked the rumors before I could get that out there, I wouldn’t be the only one hurt by it.As hard as we’ve all worked, I can’t let this hurt the rest of you…”

Mingyu felt the older rapper putting an arm around his shoulders.“We’re all going to be okay,” Wonwoo reassured.“Right now, you should be worrying about getting your health stable enough that you can come back.We can figure out the rest as it comes up.”

Mingyu nodded, closing his eyes.“I know…”

“Come on… let’s go eat, before your mom starts to worry about something else,” Wonwoo replied.Mingyu nodded, letting the elder rapper help him to his feet so that they could go out to eat with his family.

Mingyu was surprised when his mother hurried over to wrap him in a hug as soon as he entered the kitchen, despite the fact that he was significantly larger than the woman.“It’s okay, _eomma_ ,” Mingyu commented, hugging the woman back.“I did what I had to do, and I’m okay.”

“I’m proud of you, baby,” his mother commented, stroking his cheek with a sad smile on her face.“I should finish dinner… I need to feed both of you.You’re both too skinny…”

“Let me help…” Mingyu began.

“Absolutely not,” his mother replied, shaking her head.“You’ve done enough today, baby.”

“But you worked all day…” Mingyu began.

“And you worked yourself to the point of exhaustion less than a week ago.And now you’ve spent all afternoon sleeping because you’ve emotionally drained yourself to prevent something else bad from happening,” his mother replied.“Go sit down, and take care of yourself.”

Mingyu sighed, letting Wonwoo guide him to sit down at the table where he knew his mother would be bringing the family’s dinner in a few minutes.“I should be helping _Eomma_ … I’m her son, I should be taking care of her and _Appa_ …”

“You’re sick,” Wonwoo began.

“I’m not an invalid, _hyung_ … and it’s my responsibility as their son to help them,” Mingyu replied.

“And how are you supposed to do that if you’re pushing yourself so hard that you make yourself worse?” Wonwoo asked.“Gyu- _ah_ … if you want to do something for your parents, you have to take care of yourself first.This whole situation is fucked up.But you can’t do anything for them if you land yourself in the hospital.Or worse.”

Mingyu sighed, closing his eyes.“I know…”

“Stop pushing yourself so hard, okay?You know we’re all on your side here.We’re all just trying to keep you healthy, because we want you to be able to come back to work.None of us want to see you fall apart.”


	19. Comeback

Mingyu stared down at the handful of sticky notes and small letters that he’d collected throughout the course of the day, smiling at the sheer number of Carats that had sought out ways to get messages to him during the first day of ISAC.While he wasn’t sure if he was going to go to any more of the events - Mingyu had done a lot more than he’d originally intended, and after spending the whole day goofing around with his members and all of their friends he was exhausted - Mingyu couldn’t regret his decision to go with his members for the day.

“What have you got?” Jihoon asked, as the small vocalist moved to sit next to Mingyu in the van.

“Notes from Carats… people were handing them to me all day,” Mingyu replied with a smile, turning the papers so that Jihoon could see them, too.“I saved them all, so that I could look at them when I wasn’t so distracted by everything.”

Mingyu smiled as the older man put his chin on Mingyu’s shoulder, reading over the first sticky note along with him.

 

 _Mingyu-_ oppa _, I hope that you’re feeling better!Please eat and sleep well and take care of yourself, so that Carats can see you on stage again soon!_

 

“I think that’s all any of us want, you know,” Jihoon commented, pointing at the girl’s last sentence.“No matter what happens, we all want to have you on stage with us again.Even if your ridiculously gigantic ass isn’t able to dance and do all of the things you used to do, we still want you up there with us.”

Mingyu smiled, letting his head rest on top of the older man’s for a moment.“I know, _hyung_.I want that, too,” Mingyu replied.“I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to do, but as long as I can sing and rap I want to keep doing that.I want to be a part of Seventeen for as long as I can.”

Reading the notes was cut short by the light in the van going out as the manager started to pull out to take them back to the dorms.“How are you feeling, anyway?You looked like you were having fun, but I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

“It was a lot,” Mingyu admitted.“I want to go back tomorrow, but I think I need to wait until morning to make that decision.I don’t want to push myself too much and end up having to delay coming back.”

“You can always come and go lay down in the backstage area if it gets to be too much,” Jihoon suggested.Mingyu nodded.“Whatever you decide, you know that we’ll all support you… you may be a pain in the ass sometimes, but you’re still our brother and we still want you to be happy.”

Mingyu smiled.“Thanks, _hyung_.”

 

***

 

“ _Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Jisoo, Junhui, Soonyoung, Wonwoo, Jihoon, Myeongho, Mingyu, Seokmin, Seungkwan, Hansol, Chan!_ ”

Mingyu couldn’t help smiling at the fanchant, trying not to let the tears that were beginning to gather in the corners of his eyes fall.A few months earlier, Mingyu hadn’t been sure he would ever be on stage to hear all of their names called out like that again, but at the moment he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. 

Even though it had been less than a year since Mingyu had found out he was sick, things had changed more than he’d ever thought possible.Some of the changes weren’t great - Mingyu’s dancing had definitely started to deteriorate to a degree, and he got tired much faster than he had in the past.But there were also some positive changes - because he had been open about his diagnosis, fans had been understanding when Mingyu had to drop out of schedules or when modifications had to be made to performances so that he could participate.The group as a whole was actually given more breaks for Mingyu’s benefit, and their performances had been restructured to make it possible for Mingyu to do as much as possible with his members.The company was actually being really great about everything, which had made it much easier for Mingyu to come back to perform with his members.

The screams from fans as they finished the song were almost deafening, and Mingyu couldn’t help smiling as he waved to the audience, moving towards the stool that had been brought out for him near the end of the song so that he could sit for a few songs before he was required to dance again.It was one of the accommodations the company had made - he would dance for some songs and sit for others, so that he could stay on stage as much as possible.Since Hip Hop Team songs didn’t typically require as much dancing, unit stages didn’t really have to change all that much.

By the end of the show, Mingyu was exhausted; while he loved performing, it was definitely something that he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with in the long term.Still, the fact that he could get on stage at all made him happy, even as he leaned heavily against Wonwoo on the walk back to the green room.

“You good, Gyu- _ah_?” the older rapper asked.

Mingyu nodded, smiling.“Yeah, _hyung_.I’m good.”


End file.
